Saviour
by Carys5
Summary: Prequel to The Right Thing. Jeyton with the Naley beginnings. The story of how Peyton finally let Jake in. You don't have to read the Right Thing to understand this. COMPLETE!
1. Default Chapter

It was a hot June afternoon as the Tree Hill High School class of 2006 sat waiting to receive their diplomas. Peyton was glad she had taken Brooke's advice and worn only boxers and a bra under her gown. As she sat melting in the auditorium, she took a moment to look around the room, trying to remember the scene so she could get it down on paper later. The looks of excitement on some faces, sadness on others, relief for some and heat stroke for the rest. Graduation – the end of an era. She observed the faces of her friends seated around her. There were a few notable absences that were felt by all, but on this day, they tried to focus on the celebration, not the sadness. A year earlier they had sat in the auditorium, watching the seniors parade across the stage receiving their diplomas, and although they were aware it would be their turn in twelve months, twelve months felt like an eternity. Now, it seemed like a blink of an eye. As Peyton reflected on the past year, in fact the past two years, it seemed to pass so quickly, yet so much had happened. Loves lost, loves found, friendships made, broken and then made again. Families were created, ripped apart and reunited. Every person has a time in their life that they looked back on and just know it was the defining time. That point where you turn a corner and you just know it will always be different. Graduation definitely encouraged reflection, and Peyton was no exception. As she looked to her friends, Lucas, Nathan, Brooke, Jake...she could see how much the past years had changed them. Her too.

Brooke was seated in the front row; Jake was in the second. Alphabetical seating sucked, but lucky for her the Scott brothers were to her right. For a long time she believed that the word brothers would never apply to Lucas and Nathan, but Haley had changed that. They had become civil to each other when Haley entered Nathan's life, and when Haley and Nathan married, they became friends, but it was her leaving that forged their bond in blood. They shared each others pain and looked out for the other like brothers are supposed to. Peyton smiled to herself when she thought of how far those two had come.

Jake had leaned back in his chair to catch a glimpse of Peyton. He caught her grinning to herself, and once more he was struck by how beautiful she was when she thought no one was watching. And when her smile actually reached her eyes, like it was right now, he was blown away.

Peyton was not paying attention to the speaker drone on about the future, or Jake watching her - she was too busy reflecting on the past. If she ever tried to explain it to an outsider they wouldn't believe her but if she had to pick the moment it started, the moment the shift began, it would have to be...

Watching Jake get on her dad's boat brought out feelings she didn't realize were there. Peyton wasn't exactly sure why she kissed him, but the impulse over took her, and she went with it. What was more surprising to her was the half hug he gave her afterward. It was so tender...which was new to her. Nathan had been all about drama, fighting, breaking up, making up...Lucas...well you couldn't deny the emotional connection they had, but there was always something in the way. First her own fear, then her best friend, and now...she was disappointed in him. The whole Nikki debacle was not something she had expected from him. Trust was a difficult thing for her at the best of times and his betrayal cut deep.

She went home to an empty house...again. Her and Brooke had plans for that night after the game. Peyton was glad they had reconnected. She wasn't naïve enough to believe that things would ever be the same between them again, but she had missed her best friend. They had plans for Nikki that night...give Jake a head start at least.

The game was a heartbreaker. To lose in the final seconds, after an unbeaten year was an anti-climactic end to a dramatic season. After her and Brooke took care of Nikki, they simply came back to her place. It had been an emotional night, and they just wanted some quiet. Finding a note for them in the doorway the next morning was a little surprising. Lucas was leaving town...the note was an apology, an explanation, and a promise to live up to their expectations. He just felt it would be easier for him to do those things in Charleston with Keith. Brooke and Peyton looked from the note to each other and laughed. They didn't doubt his sincerity, but it just felt like they had come full circle. Back to just the two of them.

"So, you wanna meet at the café for lunch later?" Brooke asked as she was getting ready to leave.

"I have to drop a strip off at THUD, but I could do lunch." Peyton replied.

"Cool...say one thirty?"

"I'll be there."

Peyton spent the morning finishing up her strip and before she knew it, she had to leave to meet Brooke. She was surprised to see no familiar faces when she walked in. Neither Deb, Haley nor Karen seemed to be at the café and usually one of the three was there. Brooke hadn't arrived yet so Peyton took a seat at the counter. Brooke arrived shortly after.

"Where is everyone?" Brooke noticed their absence also.

"I don't know."

"Hey, cutie..." Brooke gestured to a bus boy. "Where's the Scott women?" Brooke asked.

"At the hospital." He replied.

"Hospital?" Peyton asked.

"Ya, Mr. Scott had a heart attack." The boy explained.

"Which Mr. Scott?" Brooke asked. There were too many to speculate.

"Dan."

"We should go down there Pey," Brooke said, gathering up her purse.

"I don't know Brooke."

"Come on, you can work out your issues on the way." Brooke dragged her out of the café. They left Peyton's car behind and took Brooke's bug.

The found out from the admin clerk where everyone was. As they rounded the corner to the cardiac ICU waiting room, they saw everyone anxiously sitting there. Dan Scott may have been the biggest ass God put on the planet, but family is family. And his whole crazy family was there. Karen, Deb, Nathan, and Haley all looked like they had been hit by a bus. Lucas and Keith were on their way back from Charleston and would arrive in about an hours time.

"Peyton, Brooke, what are you doing here?" Haley was the first to get up. They hugged her.

"We went to the café to get some lunch and the bus boy told us where you all were. How is he?" Brooke asked.

"We don't really know yet. Deb found him right away so that's in his favor. We just really have to wait and see." Haley explained. "I was just about to get some coffee. Peyton, wanna come with?"

"Sure. Brooke, you'll be OK here?" Peyton asked her.

"Yep. Go." Brooke took a seat next to Karen and gave her shoulders a squeeze. She seemed so lost without Lucas or Keith by her side.

The two girls walked to the cafeteria in silence.

"Kinda weird to be back here again, huh?" Peyton was the first to break the silence.

"Ya...it's been..." Haley ran her fingers through her hair.

"Haley?" Peyton had glimpsed Haley's wedding band. "Is that what I think it is?"

"What?"

"This," She said as she took Haley's left hand.

"Oh, shit...I forgot to take it off." Haley quickly pulled it off her finger.

"What is going on?" Peyton asked again.

"This.....well...it's just that Nathan wanted to tell you himself, so act surprised OK?" Haley stammered.

"You got married?" Peyton was more than surprised.

"Last night. Ya. But obviously considering the circumstances we are not advertising it. If Dan manages to pull through we don't exactly want to give him another heart attack, do we?" Haley half smiled.

"Wow," Peyton really didn't know what to say.

"You think it was stupid," Haley said.

"No...No" she said reassuringly. "Just surprised."

"Well, when everything settles down here, and Nathan has an chance to talk to you, I'll tell you the whole story. We better go back."

"Sure." Peyton was in a bit of a stupor which lasted the entire time they were at the hospital. Once Lucas and Keith arrived, Peyton and Brooke left. They agreed to come back the next day.

"Holy crap, huh? Kinda weird to see them all in one room." Brooke commented.

"Ya. And no one was throwing any punches or anything."

"Do you think he'll be OK?"

"Dan? He's too ornery to die." Peyton said sarcastically.

Brooke laughed at that.

The next few weeks were strange. Brooke and Peyton found a way to help though, they worked at the café. Seeing Brooke do dishes gave Peyton hours of amusement. She wondered how much help they actually were, but Karen and Deb knew that the effort was there and they appreciated it. Dan was in the cardiac ICU for three weeks and then another three weeks in the general ward. Finally, mid august, they let him go home. The day after he arrived home, Peyton had a visitor.

"Hey," came a voice from the doorway. Peyton was busy working on a strip and didn't hear anyone come in. She turned to see Nathan standing there.

"So, your dad's home?" Peyton asked, putting down her sketch book.

"Yep. Let him out yesterday." Nathan replied.

"How is he?"

"The same, and different. There is something I have to tell you Peyton." Nathan seemed uncomfortable.

"What is it?" Peyton remembered her promise to Haley and was working out how to be surprised.

"Haley and I....well before my dad had his heart attack...we got...." He seemed to struggle to find the words. Lucky for him, Peyton made a big show of noticing his wedding ring.

"Nathan Scott, are you trying to tell me that you got married?" Peyton smiled.

"How did....?" Nathan fumbled. Peyton pointed at his ring. "Oh. So my wife didn't already tell you?"

"No." Peyton acted her heart out.

"You are a bad liar." Nathan smiled.

"OK, ya I am. But in my defense, I've known for like six weeks dude. You try to maintain surprise that long. It's not easy." She smiled back at him.

"So what do you think?"

"I've already told you what I thought. Haley is too good for you. Hurt her, I break your legs." Peyton teased.

"Hey, considering you and I have a past, shouldn't you be saying that to Haley?" Nathan joked back.

"She doesn't have a history of being a jackass."

"Good point. When did she tell you?" Nathan sat down on the bed.

"She didn't exactly. She was wearing her ring at the hospital that first day. I noticed it then. She didn't mean to steal your thunder." Peyton explained.

"You are really OK with this Pey?" Nathan asked seriously.

"Ya...of course. It's your life. And you couldn't have picked a better girl than Haley. Plus, it's not like I'm holding some torch for you or anything." Peyton reassured him. Nathan jokingly made a face. "Oh, get over yourself Scott." She playfully punched him.

"You know, I'm glad we're friends." He said.

"What is this? Near death experience in the family and you get all sentimental?" Peyton was trying to keep things light.

"I'm just saying..." Nathan started.

"I get it. And you know if you need anything, I'm here for you. Are Lucas and Keith sticking around?" Peyton asked, changing the subject.

"Ya, I guess so. Keith is gonna run the dealership while Dad's laid up. He's different you know?" Nathan said.

"Who? Your dad?"

"Ya. Haley and I told him about us getting married last night and he took it way better than I expected. Maybe this heart attack was a good thing." Nathan offered.

"Maybe."

"So, have you heard from Jake?"

"Why would you ask me that?" Peyton asked.

"It's just I noticed the two of you were getting pretty tight before he disappeared."

"I helped him out with Jenny, that's all. He's a good guy." Peyton said.

"OK whatever you tell yourself," he teased. "I should get going. Tim was mentioning something about a bachelor party this weekend. Have you heard anything?" Nathan asked.

"Brooke and Tim are in charge of that. We have something planned for Haley too. I think we're all hooking up at the end of the night. That's all I know so far."

"Well, I guess I'll see you this weekend then."

"Later Nate, and hey.." she said as he headed for the door. "Congratulations." She smiled.

"Thanks." He returned the smile and then left.

Peyton felt a slight twinge when he left. They had become friends since their breakup which was surprising to her. Their relationship had been a roller coaster at best, a natural disaster at worst. In the end, they had this weird bond of friendship. Peyton was happy that Nathan had Haley. It was easy to see what a good influence she was for him. Sometimes Peyton wondered why she could never bring that out in him, not that she wanted to be with him again. All those feelings were long gone, but it was almost inspiring to see the effect one person could have on another. She wondered if she would ever do that for someone, or more so, would someone ever do that for her?

A/N Couldn't get this idea out of my head, so let me know your thoughts/suggestions. Have another chapter done that I'll post if there is any interest. Always, Carys


	2. Chapter Two

Brooke roped Peyton into helping plan Haley's party. Brooke took care of the fake ID's they'd need and Peyton talked to Tim about the joint party planned for later. There were a lot of people who didn't know Haley from a hole in the ground who wanted to come. Apparently getting hitched did not diminish Nathan's star. Peyton chuckled to herself at the drone mentality of most teenagers.

"Brooke, are you sure taking Haley to a strip joint is the best thing? It doesn't really seem like her kinda thing?" Peyton explained again.

"That's the point. You are supposed to do things you normally wouldn't do before you get married. It's tradition." Brooke replied.

"So your parents are OK with having the joint party at their place?"

"Yes, at least they would be if they were going to be home." Brooke grinned mischievously.

"You are so bad."

"Hey, maybe someday if I wreck the house bad enough they'll remember they have a daughter?" Brooke joked. Peyton knew Brooke's parental indifference stung. Peyton's dad might not be around all the time, but she never doubted that he cared about her.

"Maybe."

"So, I have a surprise for you at the party." Brooke hinted.

"For me? This is supposed to be about Nate and Haley." Peyton pointed out.

"It is, it is, but that doesn't mean the rest of us can't have a good time too."

"Good point. On a more painful subject, how are things between you and Luke?" Peyton asked.

"Depends on the day. Look Pey, I know you have become like his confidant or something but it's gonna take a lot for him and I to ever be friends." Brooke replied.

"You forgave me." Peyton pointed out.

"Ya, but you and I have been friends since like, first grade. Lucas and I were never friends. We were buddies, we were dating, but we kinda skipped the friend part."

"He's really trying to change Brooke. All I ask is that you give him a chance." Luke and Peyton had grown close after Dan's heart attack. After spending time with Jake, any residual feelings for Lucas had waned but their friendship had remained. Dan's heart attack had ripples through the whole Scott extended, mixed up family. Given Luke's predisposition to brooding, it was only natural that it caused a lot of reflection for him. With Haley busy being a newly married woman, it was Peyton who became Luke's confidant. It didn't mean that him and Haley weren't still close, but it was different. Peyton could be a little more unbiased than Haley could. Deep down Haley still wanted to protect her best friend from Dan, but Peyton had no such desires. She just listened without saying much. Luke was so conflicted about his feelings for Dan and he had a hard time figuring out how he felt about everything. On top of that was the fact that his best friend had gotten married at sixteen. Outwardly he was supportive of Haley and Nathan's decision, but with Peyton he was a little more open. He was worried about them, more Haley than Nathan, but it was something he couldn't share with Haley. He didn't want to rain on her parade. The two of them seemed so happy. Peyton also thought that Luke felt a little left out. For most of his life it had been him and Haley against the world, and although Nathan and Lucas were no longer enemies, he wouldn't exactly call him a best friend either. Suddenly his partner in crime was tied to someone he really didn't know. He knew that things change when people get married and he worried that he would lose his best friend because of it. Peyton listened to all this without judgement. She became his sounding board.

The day of the party started early with Brooke bouncing in at nine to start party preparations. She woke Peyton up and dragged her out of bed. For the millionth time in Peyton's life she thought to herself that Brooke had too much energy for just one person.

After she felt sufficiently caffeinated, the suspense got to her and she asked Brooke again, "So what is the surprise?"

"Patience is a virtue." Brooke replied vaguely.

"Which you don't have, so you can't preach to me about it. Come on Brooke, give me a hint." Peyton whined.

"No luck girl friend. You'll just have to wait and see. Trust me." Brooke grinned.

"That is the problem....I don't." she returned the smile.

The girls set up the house for the party and then, after finishing their errands, started getting ready themselves. The strip club was a hoot. Even Haley loosened up and had a good time. At eleven o'clock they headed back to Brooke's parents house. The party was already in full swing. The girls had a good buzz going from the strip club and jumped into the group party with a vengeance. In the chaos and fun that was the whole evening Peyton had entirely forgotten about Brooke's surprised. At around midnight Haley found her in a corner talking to the DJ about music.

"Peyton, I need your help." Haley said.

"What's up?" Peyton asked.

"Luke is outside."

"And?"

"Well, I know that you two have become closer recently and he has that look on his face." Haley explained.

"What look?"

"You know, the one where something is weighing him down and he's just waiting for someone to ask what it is."

"And you want me to go ask him." Peyton replied.

"Well, I know that he has been talking to you more lately. I love Lucas but I am also willing to admit that there are some things he just can't talk to me about. He'll talk to you." Haley admitted.

"Haley, it's not that he can't talk to you." Peyton didn't want Haley to feel like she was stealing her best friend.

"No, I'm not jealous. I am happy that he has someone he can talk to. I just worry about him. Chalk it up to too many years with Karen and Lucas." She smiled wryly.

"OK. I'll check it out." Peyton said. She found Lucas exactly where Haley said he would be. He was off to the side at a picnic table, looking down the neck of a beer bottle.

"You know, it doesn't matter how long you stare at it. It isn't a wishing well, there are no answers in there." Peyton said sarcastically.

"Hey," he said looking up at her. Peyton took a seat beside him.

"So watcha doin out here? The party is inside."  
"Just thinkin." He replied.

"About what?"

"Lots of things." He was being very tight lipped.

"Like what?" She gently prodded.

"Everything feels off balance for me right now." Luke started.

"How so?"

"Well, we start back to school next week and..."

"And?" She kept at him.

"I want to change." Luke said.

"Change how?"

"Like I said at the end of last year. I wanted to be a different person. I'm just afraid that once I get back into Tree Hill High and am playing basketball for Whitey again that the guy who screwed everything up will come back too."

"He won't if you don't let it. Look, I know it's been a crazy summer but sometimes the only thing you need to change is your attitude. You can't control the actions of others; the only thing you can control is how you react to it. Ya, you made some bad decisions last year, but you didn't make those simply because you were here. They were choices. This year you'll make different ones."

"It isn't that easy Peyton. What if I become a raving jackass like I was last year?" Lucas asked.

"You won't."

"You don't know that." He stated emphatically.

"You are right, I don't know that for sure. But I know you. You are too smart to make the same mistakes twice. It's a fresh start Luke. Maybe not in Charleston like you planned but it's still entirely up to you how things turn out." Peyton said.

"When did you get so wise?" Lucas asked with a smile.

"I've always been wise." She retorted. "You are just now noticing."

"I am noticing." He replied softly.

"Look, I'll make you a deal. If you start becoming the evil Lucas from last year I'll just call you a jackass. It will be like a signal for you to pull your head out of your ass." She grinned.

"Deal." He replied. She stuck out her hand to shake on it. He took it thankfully. "You've been my saving grace this summer Peyton. I don't know how I would have got through everything without you to talk to." Peyton laughed in response. "You laugh, but I'm serious."

"It's just funny to me...I mean I am the least together person I know yet somehow I have become this guru to all my friends. It's just kinda ironic."

"That's not true. You are a very together person. I should know." Lucas said. "So I think I'm ready to go back into the party. Are you comin?" he asked as he stood up.

"I'll be in in a second."

"OK."

Lucas left Peyton sitting on the picnic table. His words resonated in her head. Maybe art wasn't her calling after all, because if he believed she was really together, then she was a better actress than she thought. It was easy to give advice to others, it was herself she had a little more difficulty with. She understood what he said when he felt off balance. She had felt that way most of her life. She was willing to admit that it was mostly because of her own doing. Sometimes she felt like she led a double life. Popular cheerleader by day, raving lunatic at night. Maybe lunatic was a bit strong, but she did see herself as two different people. When she first met Lucas it was such a relief to her because she didn't have to be two people for him. She could be a whole person – full of flaws and insecurities. The strange thing was that despite the fact that they had grown closer over the summer, it was mostly one sided. She was happy to be there for him, to be his sounding board, his confidant, but she didn't get the same thing from him anymore. She hoped that would come back because he wasn't the only one feeling conflicted about the start of the New Year.

"Still avoiding the drama I see." A voice came from behind her. She whipped around to find Jake standing there with a half grin on his face.

"Jake!" Peyton was immediately snapped out of her reverie. She quickly got up and gave him a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"It's a party for Haley and Nathan." He replied.

"Not here at Brooke's dumbass, in Tree Hill?" she said sarcastically.

"Did some thinking and decided that I had to come back." He said taking a seat beside her.

"Why? What about Nicki?" Peyton asked.

"Running away doesn't solve my problem. And I don't want Jenny growing up looking over her shoulder forever. So I figured I'd come back and fight for her. To do that, I'll need all the support I can get and that support is here in Tree Hill." He explained.

"Aren't you afraid that Nicki will win?" Peyton had to ask the obvious.

"Sure, but not as afraid of what Jenny will think of me ten years from now if I keep running. I have to believe it will all work out." Jake said.

"It will. And I'll be here, what ever you need." Peyton offered.

"What ever?" He grinned at her. Suddenly the memory of the kiss she gave him came to her mind. She felt acutely uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. "Relax Sawyer." He teased sensing her discomfort. "I was kidding. So what's been happening here? I mean besides the wedding?" He asked.

They stayed outside for a while just talking about all the stuff Jake had missed in the two months he was gone. Peyton couldn't help but think how much she had missed his face and easy smile. It might have taken him a long time to open up to everyone about his life, but once he did, he just seemed to be this easy going, open book. Nothing seemed to really faze him too deeply. He seemed to take everything in stride. She missed that too. Eventually after she had run through the dramas they had endured in the summer, they went back into the party together.

Brooke came and found her straight away. "Surprise!" She shouted. Brooke was obviously feeling no pain.

"What are you talking about?" Peyton asked.

"I see you found your surprise," Brooke said pointing to Jake standing across the room with Lucas, Nathan and Tim.

"What? Jake? Jake was my surprise?"

"Of course silly. I know you missed him, don't even try to deny it."

"I'm just glad he's back." Peyton said, not admitting to anything.

"Ya whatever. You can lie to some people, but not me Peyton. Inside that sarcastic face is a girl jumping for joy." Brooke stated.

"Yep, that's me. Jumping inside. Come on, let's get another drink." Peyton smiled at her.

The party was a raving success and fun was had by all. School started on Monday, which officially meant the end of summer. After the summer they had all survived, they were kinda happy to be back in school. Sophomore year had been traumatic for everyone, Brooke, Lucas, Nathan, Haley, Peyton, Jake...everyone of them was secretly looking forward to the start of a new year, hopefully leaving the drama behind them as they started as they became juniors.

A/N so I got five reviews for this. I was so impressed - I understand that Jeyton is not the most popular subject (I am still a Naley lover at heart - have faith there will be some Naley here too. Can't stay away from it too long). As always, please let me know your thought/suggestions. Thanks - Carys


	3. Chapter Three

The first four months of school passed in a blur. Everyone was getting used to the idea of Nathan and Haley being married, and they seemed to be doing really well. Things with Dan were starting to slide. He was reverting to his old self - dominating, controlling and an all around pain in Nathan's ass. Dan wasn't stupid enough to criticize Haley in front of Nathan, but he had made his feelings known in subtle ways. It wasn't causing problems for Haley and Nathan, but it was adding stress to Nathan's relationship with Dan. Peyton didn't hear about it from Nathan, but she did from Lucas.

"I know he's riding Nate again Pey and I don't know how to stop it," Lucas said one day over lunch.

"Dan will always ride Nathan. It's his sole purpose in life." Peyton observed with her trademark sarcasm.

"He was so good when he got out of the hospital. I just thought..."

"What? That a leopard really could change his spots? Come on, you aren't that naïve. Nate has Haley now though so Dan's influence isn't such a big deal anymore. It's one of the reasons we like them together. Remember?"

Peyton and Lucas had many conversations about how he felt about the marriage. He vacillated between happiness, anger, confusion, fear...pretty much every human emotion possible.

"I know. Maybe there is a way I can draw Dan's focus to me," Lucas suggested.

"Ya, that's brilliant." Peyton retorted. "Are you crazy? Look, I know you have some deep seeded desire to get to know your father, but he is not a father. The man is a psychopath. He's no Bill Cosby or Ward Cleaver. What makes you think you'd be any better than Nate at handling the pressure? And no offense, but Haley isn't equipped to deal with two guys beaten up by Dan. She has her hands full with Nathan."

"I know Haley talks to you about him...how is it?"

"Nathan or Dan?"

"She talks to you about Dan?" Luke seemed surprised.

"Well she ain't gonna talk to you about him. It's not like Dan has done anything to her. It's just...he makes her feel....I don't know. She can't describe it and neither can I. It's just a Dan thing."

"I wanna protect her, you know?" Lucas offered.

"I know. But she has Nathan for that now. Don't worry about. Focus on something you can fix, like that lazy ass defense I saw last night against Cove City." She teased. It was time to change the subject. Peyton knew from experience that they were heading into dangerous territory. Sometimes Luke had problems trusting Nathan. Ninety-nine percent of the time he knew that Nathan was not only what Haley wanted, but that he was good for her too. The other one-percent of the time, the sixteen years of conditioning to think that Nathan was the enemy came out. Peyton tried to avoid that area whenever possible.

"So how's Jake doing?" Lucas asked letting Peyton change the subject.

"Good. We don't get to hang out much because of the trial, but it should be over in the next couple of weeks."

"Explain that to me again?" Lucas asked.

"His lawyer suggested that he avoid any visible contact with me because it might reflect badly on him at the trial. I was the one who lost Jenny in the mall, which didn't make me seem all that responsible. We still talk on the phone and email. But even at school, we try to keep our distance."

"How is the trial going?"

"Pretty well. The worst case scenario at this point is joint custody. That is the least he will get, but the lawyer seems pretty convinced that he can get full custody. I'm just happy he isn't going to lose Jenny altogether."

"Well, you had some help with that." Lucas smiled.

"How do you figure?"

"If you hadn't thrown that, "get Jake a great lawyer party" he never would have had the cash to fight it. That was a great idea." In October, Peyton and Brooke had been talking about Jake. Peyton couldn't figure out where they stood. Nicki had finally tracked Jake back to Tree Hill and they knew that a court battle was inevitable. They had been hanging out a lot but just as friends. Peyton was OK with that, but they had never talked about the kiss at the docks either, and sometimes it felt like the elephant in the room. Peyton had said to Brooke that she wished she had the cash to give Jake so he could get himself a great lawyer. Brooke came back and said they should have a telethon. Granted, not a brilliant idea but it got Peyton to thinking. She went to Haley and pitched the idea of a party where they would charge admission. They picked a weekend where Deb was out of town and threw a huge party at Nathan's mom's house. Everyone paid ten bucks to get in and they sold drinks at three dollars a pop. No one could refuse an invitation to a party that Nathan and Haley Scott were hosting. They were the defacto king and queen of Tree Hill High and it was, outside of their wedding reception, the social event of the year. They raised almost five thousand dollars. Haley then talked to her brother in Charlotte who had a buddy who was a lawyer, who agreed to take the case for the five thousand. He was really tough and Jake finally breathed a sigh of relief.

"Haley and Nathan really deserve some of the credit for that too. They risked the wrath of Deb to help me out." Peyton replied.

"Ya, but it was your idea."

"And Brooke's. It was a group effort. You were an awesome bartender." She grinned.

"Ya, coming from the guy who only drinks beer, and even then, not so much. I have a permanent reminder from the last time I got drunk." He smiled, referring to his tattoo.

"I know, but you gave it your best effort and hopefully everything will work out for Jake and Jenny."

"What about you and Jake?" Luke prodded.

"There is no me and Jake." Peyton replied. She was stonewalling and he knew it. It was always a crapshoot whether to push her or let her hide behind the walls she so carefully built. He decided to risk her wrath and push.

"Not yet, but I know you'd like there to be."

"I haven't really thought about it." Peyton tried to brush him off.

"Liar. I know you Sawyer, and you've thought about it."

"Look Luke, I know you think you know me, but trust me, you don't. I'm just there for Jake if he needs someone to talk to....kinda like I do for you and for Haley. In fact, the only person I don't do that for is Brooke."

"Why not for Brooke? Is she still pissed at you?" Lucas asked.

"No, we are mostly back to normal. She still has a hate-on for you, but she's accepted that I can be her friend and yours without betraying either one of you. Brooke is just one of those people who doesn't let things bother her. What you see is what you get. The whole thing with the three of us was really out of character for her, but she seems back to her old self. No inner demons, no drama...just Brooke."

"Well I'm glad to hear that." Lucas replied.

Peyton waited expectantly, half hoping that he would ask her again how she was, but the question never came. She had successfully deflected sharing her personal struggle again. She couldn't decide if she was relieved or disappointed. When the bell rang seconds later to signal the end of lunch, they both got up and headed in opposite directions.

Peyton spent her afternoon free period in the library sketching. Haley had come in looking for a book for her biology paper and saw her in the corner. She wanted to go over and see how she was, but at the same time didn't want to disturb her. That night at home Haley and Nathan had a rare evening together. No work, no game, no party.

"Hales, did you get groceries today?" Nathan asked.

"Nope. Thought it might be a pizza night. I had some great tips yesterday at the café." Haley replied.

"Sounds good."

"Nate?" she wanted to ask him about Peyton.

"What?"

"Have you talked to Peyton lately?" Haley asked.

"No, why?"

"I saw her in the library drawing today and she looked...I don't know. I wanted to talk to her, but she seemed so withdrawn."

"Hales, when she is sketching, she's in her own world. You worry too much." Nathan replied.

"I don't think so. Maybe you could go talk to her?" Haley suggested.

"Why don't you? You are the one that is worried about her. Plus, don't you find it a little odd that you would tell me, your husband to go seek out his ex-girlfriend?" Nathan seemed a little huffy with her.

"OK, what did Dan/Lucas/Deb do today?" Haley asked. Nathan was a bit taken aback. Since the beginning of their relationship she could always tell when he was stewing over something that had happened with his crazy family. It was lucky for him that she could, otherwise they might have had some pretty nasty fights. Haley always managed to go right to the heart of the matter. No hiding anything from her.

"Dan is riding my ass about what college I am going to apply to." Nathan admitted. "And I won't even ask how you knew that."

"I knew because generally you are a very good friend and you only get snarky with me when something happens with one of them. Why does Dan care where we go to college?"

"He's pushing for Carolina State like he did."

"I thought you wanted to go to Duke?" Haley asked. Most of their future conversations had revolved around Nathan's desire to play for the Blue Devils. It was close enough to home that he could still see his mom, but it also had a great basketball program.

"I do. But when he is harping for like the millionth time how great Carolina is, I almost want to agree just to get him off my back." Nathan admitted.

"Just tell him to piss off. Or lie, I don't care. He doesn't get a vote in our future Nate. It's me and you now, remember?" She smiled seductively at him.

"I don't know how you do it. Five seconds and you have me feeling a million times better. So you really want me to talk to Pey?" Nathan offered.

"No, you're right, I should do it. I'm just worried."

"It's probably nothing Hales. But if you want, we could invite her over for pizza tonight." Nathan suggested.

"And give up our only night alone? I care, but not enough to sacrifice that. I'll talk to her tomorrow." Haley grinned.

Peyton's dad was out on a job and wouldn't be home for another week. She had rummaged around in her kitchen hoping to find the fixings for dinner but had come up empty. She wasn't all that hungry anyway so she went back to her room and looked for some music to suit her mood. It was definitely a night for some loud, obnoxious tunes. One advantage to having the house to herself was that she could play her stereo as loud as she wanted. As she was putting the CD in, she heard her computer ping. Instant message.

DaddyDearest: you there Pey?

It was Jake. She noticed she had a shirt over the webcam. She pulled up a chair to answer him

Tortured Cheerleader: Yep, lookin for dinner

DaddyDearest: How's that going?

TC: Not so good. Turns out groceries don't buy themselves.

DD: Why don't you come over? I've got lots of food here.

TC: Bad idea. Remember?

DD: Trial is almost over. Can't hurt now.

TC: But what if it did? Could never forgive myself. How was algebra exam today

DD: Are you trying to change the subject?

TC: Maybe...

DD: should I let you?

TC: If you know what's good for you. Hahaha

DD: Jenny's crying. BRB

Peyton took a second to gather her thoughts. She wanted so bad to take him up on his offer for dinner, partly because she had no food and also because she missed being in the same room with him. It was a constant battle between what she wanted to do and what was the right thing to do.

DD: You still there?

TC: yep. Jenny OK?

DD: just fussy. How's this weeks strip coming?

TC: slowly. Not really inspired

DD: Jenny would inspire you. You should come over.

TC: Not having this discussion again. Don't make me sign off.

DD: OK, can't blame me for trying.

TC: when does the judge rule

DD: lawyer figures first week in December so another two weeks. He's ordered another home study for Nikki. Don't know if that's a good sign or a bad one. Trying not to think about it.

TC: You played well last night.

DD: Like you even noticed.

TC: Of course I did. Kinda part of the cheerleader job description – must watch the game and be able to comment on it later.

DD: So watching me play is a job?

TC: A painful one, at least last night (Just jokes).

DD: kinda wish we'd lose. At least then the pressure would be off. Whitey is on this, "I'm undefeated" kick and it's starting to drive me nuts.

TC: Taking a page out of the Scott brothers book?

DD: What does that mean?"

TC: Since when do you stress about basketball?

DD: Takes up less energy than stressing about the rest of my life.

TC: Got it. Anything I can do to help?

DD: Come over for dinner.

Peyton laughed. She had walked right into that one. Jake was persistent. In the beginning he had told the lawyer that Peyton was a part of his and Jenny's life and that he wouldn't give that up on a maybe. Peyton had finally convinced him that it was just a temporary situation. The trial would only take a couple of months and they could always use e-mail and the phone. For the last couple of weeks he had been getting a little more determined to convince her to come over. The trial was almost over and he was feeling more confident. Peyton felt it was better safe than sorry.

TC: You got me. I walked into that one. I'm signing off now. Gotta go find some food. Talk/type later.

Peyton logged off and grabbed her coat and keys. She figured she'd go down to the café and have a bite to eat. Maybe Haley would be there for her to chat with. There weren't any familiar faces at the café when she walked in so she took a booth in the back and ordered a light dinner. She wished she had brought along her sketch book to keep her occupied. She felt around in her pockets and found a substitute – felt pen. She pushed the cutlery and napkin off her place mat and started drawing.

Her waitress placed her sandwich and soup on the table but Peyton barely looked up. In fact, but the time she did notice her food, her soup was ice cold. She got caught up in what she was drawing. Sometimes it was a totally subliminal process. She just cleared her head and put the pen to paper. What she saw when the picture would finally take shape would often surprise her. Tonight was one of those nights. In English class that morning they had talked about a poem called "Not Waving but Drowning". She had drawn a girl, swimming in the ocean waving at an unknown figure on the beach. The caption she had used was "I was much too far out all of my life...". She kinda shook her head, wondering out loud. "What the hell is that?"

"Shouldn't you know?" A voice came from over he shoulder. "You drew it." She turned to see Jake standing there.

"What are you doing here?"

"Same thing as you I suspect, looking for supper." He replied without being sarcastic.

"I thought you had lots of food at home." She smiled.

"Lots might have been a small exaggeration. I have lots of baby food, but no grown up food. I phoned in an order and Mom is watching Jenny while I pick it up."

"You wanna have a seat while you wait?" Peyton offered, gesturing to the chair on the other side of the table.

"Are you sure that's OK?" He teased.

"Very funny Jagielski. If you don't sit down soon, I'm gonna change my mind."

He promptly sat down. "So, what are you working on?" he asked.

"I don't know. Just kinda started sketching and out it came. Happens that way sometimes. Never with my strip when I could use it, but hey...shit happens." Peyton remarked. He smiled in response. She was confused. "What?"

"Nothing." He kept smiling.

"Seriously, you are starting to freak me out. What are you grinning about?" Peyton repeated.

"Nothing. Just smilin. So, are you going to come to court on decision day?" he asked.

"Do you want me to?" Peyton was surprised he asked her.

"Yes. I'd really like to have you there. It would make things...well, I'd just like you to come. If you don't want to I totally understand." He gave her an out.

"No, of course not. I'll be there with bells on." Peyton reassured. At that moment the waitress walked up with Jake's take out bag. He took it from her and handed her Peyton's bowl of soup. "Laura, could you warm this up for Peyton? She got a little distracted." He smiled again. Peyton was sure that no one smiled more than Jake did. And it was rarely a grin, but an honest to goodness smile. She liked it.

"Thanks Jake." She said.

"No problem. I'll call you later OK?"

"I'll be home." She answered.

When Laura brought back her soup, Peyton actually realized she was hungry. Maybe it was because she felt lighter. Jake had a way of easing her load. Peyton could never figure out if he did it deliberately or if it was just the way he was. It wasn't ever something he said specifically, it was just being around him. She both loved and hated that. Loved it because, well, who doesn't like to feel good, but hated it for the same reason. She didn't really know how to be happy. She had been burdened since she was seven. Her comfort zone was being conflicted – it was the only way she knew how to be. But around Jake, she sometimes believed that it might be nice to leave the comfort zone every now and again.

A/N Reviews for the last chapter were less which is OK, but if you hate it, let me know. Flamers are welcomed as much as those who like it. I am always up for honest criticism, but if don't hate it but are lurking, let me know. Reviews keep me inspired. Thanks to those who did leave comments, they really help. Carys


	4. Chapter Four

Peyton spent the next two weeks getting ready for Christmas and finals. The Ravens were still unbeaten and the guys were starting to feel the pressure. Haley stopped by one afternoon to check on Peyton.

"Hey Hales, long time no see." Peyton said as Haley took a seat on her bed.

"Been busy with work and school. How are things with you? It feels like ages since we've talked."

"Same old same old. How about you? How's married life?" Peyton teased.

"Not at all what I expected." Haley admitted.

"What does that mean?"

"I wasn't stupid enough to think it would be all flowers and romance, but sometimes it really feels like work." Peyton didn't exactly know what to say to that. "Like the other day I realized that I will never have a bed to myself anymore. Not that I don't like sleeping next to Nathan, because I do. But it isn't my bed anymore – it's ours. Maybe I am over thinking it."

"Maybe, but it's only natural. Most people have time before the wedding to prepare themselves for what a marriage will be. You kinda skipped that part."

"I love Nathan, I do. It's just the daily stuff that kinda bothers me. Like can't he see the toothpaste left in the bathroom sink in the morning? And why is it that he thinks because I am a woman that I automatically know where everything is? The other day he asked me where his practice jersey was. I asked him where he had left it. He said he didn't know, and I wanted to scream back, _then how should I know!_?" Haley was clearly exasperated.

"Don't sweat it Haley, it will get better." Peyton tried to reassure her.

"I know. I'm just venting. So really, enough about me. How are things with you?"

"Nothing new. My dad is due back on Sunday and then he's home for like a week and then gone another ten days and then home until the New Year."

"How are things with Jake?" Haley asked tentatively.

"Trial is almost over. Judge is ruling on Friday." Peyton replied.

"Then you guys can hang out again right?"

"Yep. Can I ask you something?" Peyton said.

"Sure."

"I kissed Jake before he left Tree Hill in June. We have never talked about it, and it hasn't happened again. Do you think that's strange?"

"Does it feel strange?" Haley asked.

"Kinda. It isn't awkward or anything...maybe we've just transitioned into the friend zone." Peyton replied.

"The friend zone?" Haley repeated.

"Ya, you know. You really like someone, there is chemistry there but you wait so long to act on it that it just kinda disappears. I mean it's cool because you are friends, but in the back of your mind you also know that you let the moment pass when you should have seized it."

"Is that what you think is happening with you and Jake?"

"Maybe. I don't know. It's not like we've had a lot of face time in the last three months. It just wasn't good for the trial, but now, with it coming to an end, I'm kind of nervous. He asked me to be there ya know."

"Be where?" Haley asked.

"In court when the judge gives his verdict."

"That's huge Pey."

"I know. But he asked and I couldn't say no. I'm nervous about that too." Peyton admitted.

"It'll be fine. Do you want me to come and hold your hand?" Haley offered.

"No. Jake doesn't want it to turn into some big thing. Plus, what if it doesn't go his way? What do I say?"

"You got me. Most of the time I just wing it," Haley grinned.

"How is Nathan doing with this whole unbeaten streak?" Peyton asked.

"Depends on the day. I can handle him moody, but Dan is breathing down our necks again and..."

"I know. Dan is a piece of work." Peyton agreed.

"Nathan's just like everyone else, he has good days and bad. I just try to stay out of his way when it's a bad one."

"He has a lot less of them because of you Haley."

"I don't know about that Peyton." Haley grimaced.

"I do. I knew him pre Haley and he is really lucky to have you. You make a difference, don't ever doubt that."

"Some days I wonder." Haley glanced down at her watch. "I need to get to work. Will you be coming by for dinner later?"

"Probably. No food in this house."

"I'll have a bowl of soup waiting for you." Haley said with a smile and left.

Haley was the first person that Peyton had told about Jake's request. She had been going over it in her head for the past two weeks trying to figure out how she felt about it. She was nervous – for him and for herself. She had no idea what to feel, what to wear, what to say, all of it. Brooke had suspected that she was thinking about something but she knew that it wouldn't do her or Peyton any good to push. When Pey was ready she'd spill. Luke was so busy being wrapped up in the pressure that basketball had become that he didn't even notice that Peyton was brooding. His own broodiness overshadowed hers. It was a really bad pattern in Peyton's life. Haley had come over that day to talk about Nathan. Peyton knew it. Her asking about things with Jake was a courtesy question. Sometimes it bothered her that everyone was so wrapped up in their own lives that they didn't consider she might have some issues of her own she wanted to talk about. On the other hand, Peyton had spent most of her life concealing her issues, so she felt like she had no one to blame but herself. Almost everyone believed her popular cheerleader façade and so they should, she worked hard enough at it.

Friday was the day the judge would deliver his verdict and it was also a teachers workday so Peyton didn't have to come up with an excuse as to why she wasn't in school. She had been standing in her closet for nearly twenty minutes trying to pick out something to wear and was still drawing a blank. She heard her computer bing telling her that someone was online. It was a way to avoid the clothing decision so she opened messenger to see who it was.

DD: do you need me to pick you up?

TC: How did you know I'd answer.

DD: webcam

Peyton realized that she had not covered the webcam the night before. Good thing she was wearing respectable pajamas.

TC: right. Gotta turn that thing off.

DD: no need to on my account. So, you need a ride?

TC: not even dressed yet.

DD: I know. What's the problem

TC: turns out, I don't have any respectable clothes

DD: Anything you wear is fine.

TC: bet you are in a suit

DD: ya, but it's required for me. You can come naked if you want

TC: don't you mean you want?

She couldn't believe she had typed that. They had stayed away from all sexual innuendoes in the past. If she could erase it, she would. Instead she threw a shirt over the webcam.

DD: not fair. Why'd you cover up?

TC: getting dressed now. I should go. I'll see you at the courthouse in an hour OK? Relax

DD: am trying my best. See you there.

She heard another ping telling her she had e-mail but she decided to ignore it and focus on getting ready.

Peyton finally settled on black pants and a white blouse. It was decidedly boring, but respectable. She had a great desire to put on her runners, but abstained and wore dress shoes instead. Her leather jacket completed the look and she felt ready to go. The butterflies in her stomach told her this would be a big day.

Jake was waiting for her on the courthouse steps. His parents were inside already and they had Jenny with them. He was dressed in a dark suit with a dark shirt and tie. He looked very fatherly Peyton decided. And the butterflies in her stomach did a synchronized flip.

"Peyton, thanks so much for coming."

"You asked, here I am. Are you ready to go inside?" Peyton asked.

"Nikki's in there." He said.

She reached out and squeezed his hand. "Come on. We'll face her together." Peyton smiled.

The verdict was a mixture of bad and good. Jenny's primary residence would be with Jake, but Nikki did get joint custody of sorts. She had to go through six months of supervised visits before she'd be allowed to take Jenny on her own. Nikki also had to live where ever Jake lived. She wasn't allowed to take Jenny across state lines and she had to give Jake what the judge called "reasonable notice" when she wanted to spend time with her. They would have a meeting with the judge in six months to determine how things were progressing. Jake had to keep Nikki informed of all major decisions when it came to Jenny too. Peyton couldn't figure out if it was good news or not. It definitely meant that Nikki would be around for the foreseeable future.

After they were done in court Nikki was taking Jenny out with her family for lunch. She would bring Jenny back to Jake's place at two.

"So, wanna come over for lunch?" Jake asked as they exited the building.

"Don't you want to spend time with your parents?" Peyton replied.

"They have to get back to work. Plus, if I am forced to sit by myself for the next three hours I may go crazy. Keep me company?" He explained.

"Sure. Can we stop by my place so I can change?" Peyton asked.

"No problem."

After Peyton was back in her standard uniform of jeans and t-shirt the butterflies seemed to be taking a nap. She felt better.

"I've never seen your room before." Jake commented from her bed.

"Well, this is it." She said.

"It's very you."

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"It's exactly how I pictured it." He replied.

"You've seen it on the webcam." She pointed out.

"I've seen your closet, never your room. I like this," He pointed to a sketch on the wall. It was the one she had done on the café placemat.

"Thanks. So, should we go?" she asked. She didn't really want to talk about that particular sketch.

Jake knew she was avoiding him, but he figured he'd let it slide for now. He wasn't one to push. "Sure."

They spent the afternoon hanging out watching a movie and eating frozen pizza. As two o'clock got nearer she knew he was getting anxious. The unspoken thought was what if Nikki didn't come back. But at five minutes to two the doorbell rang and there she was. She was even civil to Jake. She asked if she could take her Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours. Apparently the court appointed supervisor was available and Nikki wanted to take her to the park. Jake reluctantly agreed and Nikki left without incident.

"Wow." Peyton remarked when she was gone.

"What?"

"I don't think I've ever seen civil Nikki before. Do you think it will last?" Peyton asked.

"Probably not. But for now, we'll try our best. So, you got plans for Sunday afternoon?" Jake asked with a smile.

"What am I? A Jenny substitute for you?" Peyton teased.

"No, it's just if I have some free time I'd like to do something with you. After the last three months of not hanging out at all, I think we have some catching up to do." Jake explained.

"We'll see. I have a strip due Monday and so far I'm uninspired...again."

"Maybe I could inspire you?"

"Doubtful. Can I call you Sunday morning?" Peyton asked.

"I guess." He pretended to pout. "You don't have to leave now you know. I know Jenny missed you too. Why don't you stay a little while longer."

"Sure, why not."

The three of them enjoyed the afternoon together. It was relaxing and stress free. The laughed and joked and did everything they could think of to make Jenny smile. In the process, they both decompressed. Peyton couldn't remember when she had had such a good time. When she finally decided it was time to go home, it was already dark out. Jake walked her to the door and Peyton was secretly hoping for a kiss. She wanted to lean in and kiss him, but she had made the first move last time and this time, she was going to restrain herself. He made no move to kiss her. He did give her a hug and thanked her again for coming, both to the courthouse and then spending the day with them. Peyton gathered up her disappointment and went home.

It had been a long day, and she headed straight to bed. The next morning she got up, made herself some coffee and remembered that she had new e-mail to read. She got comfortable in front of her computer and opened her inbox. The message from the day before was her dad. She opened it, looking forward to her dad's dry sense of humor. As she read the first line, the bottom fell out of her world. She dropped the cup of coffee she had been holding and started to cry.

A/N So, I'm finding myself less inspired. I just have to say for the record that Naley is so much easier to write...but, I do have the outline done for this, I just have to put my brain to it and keep going. Your reviews have been so great - and tardychic, I am so sorry your arm is in a sling! that sucks. It made your review extra special. As always, let me know your thoughts/suggestions. Carys


	5. Chapter Five

Peyton was more than disappointed in herself. In fact, if it was physically possible to beat the crap out of herself she would have done it. Instead, she did what she normally did - took the keys to her car and went driving. She had no destination in mind, she just needed to get away. She couldn't believe she had forgotten the day. She had spent the last nine years honoring that day, and this year, she was laughing and joking with Jake, when she should have been thinking of her mom. Forgetting the anniversary of her mother's death was the worst thing she had ever done. Peyton had never felt so selfish and evil in all her life – and that included fooling around with her best friend's boyfriend. She was a bad person – a bad daughter, a bad friend, just all around bad. She didn't even have the courage to go to the gravesite to apologize to her mom for forgetting. She felt too awful. After driving around for most of the day Peyton found herself outside a bar. She went inside to have a drink. She didn't care that alcohol was the last thing she needed, it was the only place she was sure she wouldn't run into anyone she knew. It seemed like a great place to hide.

She drank herself silly. A few guys tried some lame pick up lines on her, but she didn't need to use any of her sarcastic retorts to get them to buzz off, one glare seemed to do the trick. Peyton did shot after shot, hoping that each one would erase the guilt and pain she felt. She was moderately successful, the searing pain deteriorated into a dull ache. At two am, she got in a cab and went home to her empty house. She passed a picture of her mom in the hallway on the way to her room, and the pounding pain came right back. Luckily she had drank enough to put her to sleep almost immediately.

Peyton didn't get out of bed the next day until almost three in the afternoon. Her head hurt as much as her heart. There was a message from her dad that he wouldn't be home until the next day, something about a storm delay. Peyton couldn't decide if she was relieved or sad. She didn't want to have to tell him that she had forgotten about the anniversary, but on the other hand, she could really use a hug from him right now. She was only up for a few hours before she went back to bed. Her head and her stomach were on strike. The only thing she managed to do was go back to the bar to pick up her car. She was acutely aware that she needed to have her best cheerleader face on the next morning at school.

She managed to avoid Lucas and Brooke most of the morning. Both of them knew her too well, and her fake happy face was tenuous at best. Chances are they'd see right through it and she wasn't ready to explain or share. Jake found her at lunch time behind the school with her sketch pad.

"Missed you yesterday," Jake said as he took a seat beside her on the ground.

"What?" she looked up distractedly.

"I thought we had plans for yesterday afternoon," Jake explained.

"Ya, I was busy. Sorry," she said offhandedly, concentrating on her strip.

"I thought that was due today?" he asked.

"It is. Which is why I came out here to finish it...alone." She finally looked at him.

"Is everything OK Peyton?"

"It's fine." She immediately replied. "Look, I really need to finish this and I can't miss any classes today so if you don't mind..."

"Sure. I'll call you later."

"Whatever." She went back to her drawing.

Jake left her alone as she asked. He was more than confused by her actions. As far as he knew, when she left his place on Friday she was fine. He had been a little hurt she didn't call on Sunday but he hadn't worried. Seeing her today made him wish he had called her. He ran into Lucas in the hallway before class.

"Luke, have you talked to Peyton today?" Jake asked.

"Haven't seen her since Thursday, why?"

"Well, I just saw her outside a minute ago, and she was "

"Peyton is normally standoffish. What makes today any different?" Luke joked.

"Today was different, trust me. I was just wondering if you knew anything?"

Luke thought about it for a minute and then he realized what it was. "Her mom died around this time of year. Maybe it's the anniversary?" Lucas suggested.

"How do you know that?"

"Long story. Just give her some space and she'll come around. Peyton has to deal with things in her own way." Luke said.

Jake knew that. In fact, he probably knew it better than Lucas did. She liked to avoid things and she hated to talk about herself, but he was pretty sure that deep down she was dying for someone to ask "how are you" and mean it. He loved the fact that she was a mystery, not because it made her a challenge but because it made her interesting. And he loved the smile that played across her face when she was with his daughter. He so badly wanted one of those smiles to be for him someday. Jake had figured out early on that Peyton didn't trust easily. Some days he thought that the only person she really trusted was Jenny, and that was probably because Jenny couldn't talk. No chance of her secrets being spilled or uncomfortable questions being asked. He also knew that he wanted her...all of her. Jake was a patient man. Even water would wear down a stone given enough time.

By some miracle, Peyton managed to get her strip submitted on time. It wasn't her best work, but it would do. When she got home, her dad was there. He gave her a big hug and apologized profusely for not being there on Friday. He asked how she was doing, and before she even realized it she was lying through her teeth.

"Did you go to the gravesite without me?" her dad asked with a soft smile.

"I went Friday night. Jake came with me. He didn't want me to be alone." Peyton lied. It wasn't a total untruth. Had she told Jake what the day was, he would have been there in a heartbeat. She couldn't admit to her dad that she had forgotten the anniversary. It was more out of her own shame than fear of reprimand.

"Pey, I'm so proud of you. I know how hard it is for you to open up to someone new." Her dad praised.

Her guilt grew in multiples. "Had to happen sometime right?" she half joked.

"Do you have plans tonight?" Her dad asked.

"Actually I said I'd babysit for Jenny. Jake has basketball practice." Another lie. The guys did have practice but after blowing Jake off at school that day, she wasn't sure he would even talk to her. She didn't have plans to babysit, but she did want to get out of the house without telling her dad why.

"OK. Well, if you are going to be out, I think I'll stop by the café and say hi to Karen. Don't be out too late."

"I won't."

It was still light out, so she went to the park to do some thinking and sketching. Peyton wasn't having a lot of luck in the drawing area, but her brain was working over time in the thinking. Jake saw her sitting there, on a bench, staring out into space as he was driving home. He couldn't help but stop.

"Hey," he said as he walked up, hands in his coat pockets, hair still wet from his post practice shower.

"Hi." She replied. He instantly knew that she wasn't ready to talk.

"So...I was going to pick up some food to take home. Wanna join me?" Jake asked.

"Not really hungy."

"OK." He said and sat down beside her. They didn't say anything for a long time.

"I thought you were getting food." Peyton finally said.

"Thought you could use the company." He responded.

"I don't want to talk Jake."

"Didn't say anything about talking." He didn't push.

"What do you want from me?" she asked, her voice rising an octave.

"Nothing Pey. I don't want anything from you. I'm just here, OK?" He said softly.

They sat in silence again. He reached out slowly and took her hand in his. His gaze didn't wander from the tree in front of them they were both intently staring at. Peyton let him hold her hand. It was comforting and she like it. As soon as she realized that, she took her hand away. She didn't feel like she deserved to be comforted. She clasped her hands together in her own lap. Jake didn't say a word. He sat there with her for half an hour.

"Why are you here?" She finally asked dragging her gaze from the non-descript tree.

"Because that's what friends do. They sit with each other so neither one of them has to be alone." He explained.

"Maybe I deserve to be alone." Peyton whispered. Jake wanted to immediately jump in and reassure her, but he knew that would only cause her to clam up or get defensive, so he sat quietly, waiting for what she would say next. "My mom died nine years ago Friday." She continued some time later. He remained quietly beside her. "And I forgot." One tear fell down her cheek. Jake reached out and brushed it away, still saying nothing. Peyton looked at him and was surprised by what she saw. There was no pity, or sympathy in his eyes. He simply looked at her the way he always did. "What do you say to that?" She wanted some sort of reaction. She wanted him to yell at her and tell her how awful she was, and how she should be ashamed of herself.

"It's OK." Was all he said.

"No it's not." She shot back.

"Why?"

"Because, I'm an awful person, that's why. What kind of daughter forgets the day her mother died?"

"I'm not going to come down on you Peyton, you've done that to yourself already. Like I said, I'm just here." He squeezed her hand.

"What is wrong with you?" Her voice was rising again. Jake knew she was trying to get a rise out of him, so that she could push him away. He wouldn't take the bait.

"It's OK Peyton." He repeated.

"Seriously dude, what is your malfunction?" She said louder, shaking away his hand and standing up, hand on her hips.

"It won't work Peyton. You can't make me go away." He said calmly.

"Why do you even want to be here?"

"Because I care about you."

"Even now that you know what a horrible person I am?"

"You are not a horrible person."

"I stole my best friend's boyfriend." She pointed out.

"So?"

"I forgot about my mom."

"No, you didn't. You might have forgotten the anniversary, but you haven't forgotten her. Look, I didn't know your mom, but I do know that if something ever happened to me, the only thing I would want is for Jenny to remember how to smile again. And on Friday, with us, you were smiling. Just because you enjoyed yourself on the anniversary of your mom's death doesn't make you a bad person. She would want you to be happy...especially on the anniversary. It doesn't mean that you were happy she was gone, it just meant that you were happy. It's OK to be happy Pey. She would want that for you."

"You are right, you don't know my mom." Peyton said.

Jake wanted her to cry, to let it all out. He knew she needed a release. "But I do know you." To Jake's surprise she sat back down. She even put her head on his shoulder. He simply put his arm around her and they sat like that for a little while longer. She then wordlessly got up, went to her car, and drove home.

He didn't expect a great out pouring of emotion or explanation from her. Jake knew that wasn't her way. All he wanted was for Peyton to know that he was there for her whether she needed to talk, or just sit in silence. He wanted her to know she wasn't alone. Peyton went home and started drawing again. The picture that wouldn't come in the park suddenly flew onto the page. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew it was because of Jake. Peyton wasn't sure how he did it, but his silent comfort brought a small measure of peace to her. She couldn't figure out if he did it on purpose or if that was just him. Either way she was grateful. And for a brief moment, she could almost forgive herself.

A/N so does it make me a total dork that I am really happy with this chapter? Rhetorical question, of course it does. Thank you again for the reviews. Working on the next chapter as we speak. Less than three weeks until season premiere! Yay. Thoughts/Suggestions? always Carys


	6. Chapter Six

Over the next two weeks Peyton slowly returned to her normal self. It didn't happen over night and it didn't happen on its own – she worked hard at putting that face back on. The only one who knew her secret was Jake, and he was smart enough to leave that subject alone. He didn't ask her about it and she didn't acknowledge that he knew. Things went back to the status quo. She was cheerleading on Friday nights, partying with her friends after the game, babysitting when Jake was stuck, working on her strip and getting ready for Christmas with her dad. She had a busy life. Busy meant less time to think which suited her just fine.

Brooke was spending Christmas with Peyton and her dad because her parents were out of town on a business trip. Peyton secretly wondered what kind of business planned a conference for the Christmas break, but Brooke didn't seem too surprised. Brooke's family dynamics were the only area of her life she didn't talk about. Every now and then she would allude to her absentee parents but Peyton didn't push. Brooke seemed happier when she wasn't thinking about her dysfunctional family.

Peyton and Brooke were at the mall on the twenty fourth picking up a last minute gift for Jenny. Ever since Jake had introduced his daughter to his friends, she had become the darling of everyone.

"So, Haley and Nathan are having a dinner tonight?" Brooke asked as they strolled through Baby Gap.

"It would appear. Did you want to go? Lucas will be there," Peyton pointed out. Brooke and Lucas had come a long way since the end of the school year. They could be civil when they had to but they mostly stayed out of each others way.

"I guess he will considering it's his brother and his best friend. The question is, do you want to go?" Brooke asked.

"It's totally up to you." Peyton replied.

"Who's all going?" Brooke asked.

"Just the usual group, Nate, Haley, Luke, Jake, Tim, me and you...that is if you want to."

"Sure, why not. Could be fun," Brooke smiled devilishly.

"What does that mean?" Peyton was a little worried.

"Relax friend, I was just thinking that there isn't anything better than watching Lucas feel guilty. What a great present for me!" Brooke giggled and clapped.

"If I hadn't known you my whole life I might actually believe you mean that."

"What are you talking about, of course I mean it." Brooke shot back.

"No, you don't. Secretly you play all tough and bitchy, but I know that deep down you are as soft as they come Brooke Davis."

"Now see, that's where you are wrong. I honestly do enjoy torturing Lucas. Sometimes it's a little too easy but that doesn't make it any less fun." She grinned.

Peyton knew it was a show, but considering the fact that Brooke let her put on her own front and she never called her on it, Peyton figured she owed Brooke the same. They picked out some adorable clothes for Jenny and put them on Brooke's credit card and went home to get ready for the big dinner.

The girls debated taking a bottle of wine with them but considering how destructive their group seemed to get when alcohol was involved, they settled on a dessert tray from the bakery instead. Haley had the apartment lit up with Christmas lights everywhere. Peyton thought it was possible that Haley had an unnatural obsession with lights there were so many of them. It was very festive though and it put Peyton and Brooke in the Christmas mood.  
"The apartment looks great Hales," Peyton said as they walked in.

"Lucas was none to pleased that I stole the lights from the golf course, but I wanted it to be Christmassy." Haley smiled and took the tray from her.

"So do you need help with anything?" Peyton asked.

"Nope, everything is done. Just grab some punch and have a seat. Brooke, can I take your coat?" Haley asked.

"Thanks Tutor girl." She handed her coat to Haley. "And thanks for the invitation."

It was an odd thing coming from Brooke, but Haley took it at face value. "Of course. I'll be right back. Make yourself at home."

The girls had brought small gifts for everyone, and it appeared that they weren't the only ones who had that thought. The tree was overflowing with festively wrapped packages. Brooke added their gifts to the pile. Nathan and Lucas were playing Playstation and Tim was hovering, waiting for someone to lose so he could play. Jake was the first to come over to the girls in the kitchen.

"Merry Christmas," he smiled to both of them.

"Where's Jenny?" Peyton asked.

"That hurts Pey," Jake teased. "What am I, chopped liver?"

"Well, Jenny is cuter," Brooke piped up.

"Ha, ha, ha." Jake replied. "Nikki gets her tonight and I have her tomorrow." He explained.

"How's that going?" Brooke asked. Peyton was again surprised by the interest Brooke was taking.

"You really want to know?" Jake asked, clearly surprised also.

"Not really, just seemed like the thing to ask," she replied guilelessly. Peyton and Jake looked at each other and started to laugh. "OK, that didn't come out right. Let me rephrase. I don't give a crap about Nikki and no matter what the two of you say, I will always think she is evil. But Jenny, well," Brooke looked for the words, "she's too cute for words and I don't want her corrupted by her crazy mother. I was kinda hoping that would be my job in a few years." Brooke smiled, flashing her dimples.

"No corruption so far Brooke. We are absolutely waiting for you to do that. I've always wanted the best for Jenny and I have no doubt that you would be the best at leading her down the wrong path." Jake returned the smile.

"Thanks Jakey. Nice to know I'm appreciated. I'm gonna go have some fun now." And she headed off to make Luke uncomfortable.

"What was that about?" Jake asked Peyton.

"Forget it. So, look, I wanted to apologize...for that day..." Peyton was struggling to say the words out loud.

"No need. So, are all those presents you brought for Jenny?" He asked, changing the subject. He smiled to himself as the relief on her face was so transparent.

"Mostly." She retorted. Jake couldn't believe that he had ever been worried about telling his friends about Jenny. They had all been great, not only to him, but especially with Jenny. They were all her honorary aunts and uncles. "There might be one in there for you too."

"Really? Which one?" He replied.

"Are you one of those people?" Peyton asked sarcastically.

"And what people would those be?"

"Those, can't wait to open presents people. You know, they are the ones who are searching the house December first to find out if their parents have any presents hidden in the closet. I have even heard of extreme cases where they unwrap presents when no one is around and then rewrap them." She explained wide-eyed, obviously teasing him.

"Hey, I'm a dad. I am much more mature than that." He joked back.

"You are! I never would have guessed."

"Good to know that I can surprise you." Jake replied.

"You surprise me all the time Jake," she said, not really referring to the christmas present story.

"Right back at ya Sawyer."

"Hey, anyone wanna play me?" Tim shouted from the couch, breaking the moment they were having. "Jagielski, you in?"

Lucas and Nathan had finally finished their game and Tim was looking for someone to join him on the couch.

"Tim, I'm sitting right here. You know that I wanna play," Brooke piped up.

"But you're a girl." Tim replied.

"You really are a genius aren't you Smith? Thanks for pointing out the obvious. I bet I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back." Brooke shot back.

"I'll take that bet," Peyton chimed in, taking a seat beside Brooke on the couch.

Jake leaned over her shoulder and whispered in her ear, "Has Brooke ever played before?"

"No, but I bet she still beats him." She whispered back.

"You can use both your hands Brooke. I'd hate to beat you and then have you whine about how it was unfair." Tim offered.

"Let's go then." Brooke took the controller.

While Lucas, Haley and Nathan were in the kitchen putting the final touches on dinner, Jake and Peyton howled with laughter watching Brooke and Tim play basketball. Brooke was holding her own against Tim but it had nothing to do with her Playstation skills, and everything to do with her short skirt. Tim was such so distracted by Brooke's legs that his game went out the window. Never underestimate the attention span of a teenage boy when there is a beautiful girl in the room. Before a definite winner could be crowned Nathan and Haley announced that dinner was ready.

Their dinner was not what a usual Christmas dinner should be. In fact it was as far from traditional as you could get but as Jake looked around the table he saw something – a kind of family. He wondered if it was a momentary aberration or the start of something more. There was a lot of laughing and joking, mostly at Tim's expense. The tension between Luke and Brooke seemed to diminish as they argued over whose turn it was for the gravy, and Peyton looked almost relaxed. She caught Jake smiling to himself, and returned the smile. It only lasted a minute, as Tim made some other asinine comment that had everyone laughing again, but it was the one moment from the evening he would remember forever.

After dinner was over and everyone was sufficiently stuffed they moved on to opening presents. There were plenty of gag gifts which prompted more laughter. The whole evening was about forgetting their daily dramas and just having a good time. Peyton was so used to quiet Christmases with her Dad and her grandparents, that being around so much noise was a big change for her. She got swept up in the feeling and for a time, forgot about her own problems. She smiled more that night than she had in a month. She was glad she came.

By ten thirty everyone figured they had better go home. Most had big family events planned for the next day.

"Thank you so much for the picture Pey," Jake said for the tenth time that night. Peyton had given him a small painting of him and Jenny.

"You're welcome...again. It was really no big deal Jake." She tried to brush it off.

"It is a big deal and it meant a lot. If you have time tomorrow you should stop by the house. Jenny would love to see you." Jake offered.

"Brooke is staying with me." Peyton reminded him

"Bring her too," he replied.

"Really?" Peyton was surprised. It wasn't that Jake and Brooke were enemies, but sharing Christmas day with someone you weren't really friends with seemed strange.

"Why not? My house is gonna be full with grandparents and aunts and uncles. No one would notice one more body."

"Maybe we will."

"Ready to go friend?" Brooke walked up with their coats.

"Yep. Thanks again Hales," Peyton said.

"No problem sweetie. I'll talk to you when we get back." Haley said from the couch. Haley and Nathan were going to Haley's grandparent's place for Christmas day.

Brooke and Peyton talked all the way home about what a good time they had. Peyton could almost feel the black cloud that had been hovering over her head since the anniversary fading away.

Christmas day was quiet as Peyton predicted. They weren't able to make it to Jake and Jenny's which was disappointing but she figured they would hook up later. She was almost looking forward to it. Brooke went home Boxing Day because her mom was flying back. She admitted she was being forced into some mother/daughter bonding in the form of a day at the spa. Brooke had invited Peyton to join them but she declined. After spending nearly three solid days with Brooke she was looking forward to some alone time. After she left, she put on some new tunes she had gotten for Christmas from Luke and sat down in front of her computer to do some sketching. Before she knew it her messenger was going off.

DD: Brooke gone home?

TA: Yep, all alone again.

DD: Wanna come over?

TA: Kinda liking the quiet.

DD: It's quiet here.

TA: likely story. Where is everyone?

DD: mall. Grandma and grandpa took Jenny with them

TA: I really need to get working on my strip for next week.

DD: You could do that here. Please. Don't make me come get you.

TA: Got any food?

DD: Turkey left overs. Come on, you know you wanna see me.

Peyton thought about that line.

DD: I know your thinking about it. I recognize that face.

Sometimes she wanted to curse the webcam. She closed her sketchbook and dangled her keys in front of the camera to let him know she was on the way. She got up, took her sketchbook with her and headed over to Jake's.

He was waiting on the front porch for her, guitar on his lap.

"I know it's been a warm winter, but shouldn't you have a coat on?" Peyton pointed out.

"Just waiting for you. I was worried you might drive by and not stop." He teased her.

"I brought my note book with me. I really do have to get some of this strip done." She explained.

"No problem. Do you mind if I play?" He asked.

"Go right ahead."

They sat there outside for a while, Jake playing softly and Peyton sketching. It was relaxing.

"Can I see what you are working on?" he asked.

"Why?" Peyton replied, instantly wary.

"Why not? I'll just read it in the magazine next week anyway."

"Sure, I guess." She handed him the pad.

"This is really good Peyton. Are you going to study art in college?" He inquired.

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I'd like to, but it all depends what the money situation is like. There's a great school in Boston I'd like to go to."

"You should. You are really talented." He said and handed her the pad back. The silence settled over them again and Peyton couldn't help but notice that it wasn't uncomfortable. Most people felt the need to fill silence...like just sitting in a room with someone wasn't enough, you needed to be talking. Conversation was highly overrated in her opinion. She liked the silence. "So I've been thinking." Jake started.

"What's the occasion?" She remarked.

"Ha ha. No, I was thinking that we should go to a movie on Friday." He said.

"Like a date?" Peyton asked.

"Ya."

"You and me?"

"Yes."

"I don't know Jake." Peyton wasn't sure if she wanted this. Three weeks ago she had talked to Haley about wanting this exact thing, but now that it was right in front of her, it scared her. Jake had seen her at her worst. For most girls that would make him perfect date material – the fact that he had seen her fall apart and still wanted to go out with her. For Peyton it meant something else. It made him closer than anyone else was at this point, and dating would open her up to all sorts of other pain.

"Pey, it's just a movie, not a lifetime commitment. It might even be fun." He smiled at her.

"After everything that has happened Jake, with Luke, and the anniversary, I just don't know if I'm ready to be in a relationship." Peyton explained.

"Look, we'll meet at the theatre, we'll each have our own popcorn. I promise not to ask you to marry me. Come one, it will be a fun drama free night. No chick flicks." Jake teased.

"My own popcorn? You promise?" She smiled.

"Absolutely. So Friday, seven thirty?"

"What about Jenny?" Peyton had to ask.

"Nikki has her for the weekend. Well, sort of. She's got her for Friday night and they're coming back Saturday afternoon. It's her first supervised over night visit." Jake explained.

"Isn't that kind of soon?" Peyton asked.

"You know what? I don't want to talk about Nikki today. Let's just marvel that you have agreed to go out with me," Jake seemed almost proud of himself.

"OK, I gotta go. You're head's gonna get big and then it will be hard for me to get out the door. I'll call you later, OK?" Peyton joked.

"Sure." He really wanted to kiss her, but he held back. He didn't want to give her any reason to cancel their date. He was already praying that her fear didn't get the better of her over the next three days. Inspite of her reservations, Peyton went home with a smile on her face. Maybe things really were looking up.

A/N so I had my first case of writers block - or maybe just self doubt. There haven't been a lot of reviews for this story, so I was kinda thinking that maybe it sucked. I even considered abandoning this story altogether, but changed my mind. Although I love reviews, sometimes I think a story just needs to be written. I am also guilty of reading a lot of stories and never reviewing so who am I to talk. Bottom line is I kinda like this story so I'm gonna keep going. If you like it, please let me know. If you hate it also let me know. If you are lurking, please leave a review. I have been making a concerted effort to review the stories that I like. Try it yourself - leaving reviews is almost as good as getting them. I welcome all thoughts and suggestions. Thanks to those who have reviewed, they have been great. always - Carys


	7. Chapter Seven

Peyton was reluctant to admit she was nervous. She had been on a lot of dates in her life, but Jake made her nervous – hell Jake made her a lot of things. Too many things for her liking. She picked up the phone to call Brooke or Haley – she felt like she needed reinforcement, but then quickly changed her mind. Brooke didn't know about the kiss, and Haley – she had her own life to be concerned about. Plus, she was married – she never had to worry about first dates again.

As she parked her car and walked up to the theatre entrance, the urge to run as far and fast as she could in the opposite direction was overwhelming. Then she saw him. He was waiting out front for her with his hands in his pockets. When Jake saw Peyton he smiled at her. His smile quieted the flee response in her stomach and brought new butterflies with it. She returned the smile.

"Hey," she said almost shyly.

"I'm so proud of you Peyton," He grinned. Jake was obviously teasing her.

"Why's that?" she asked.

"I thought for sure you'd bail."

"Now why on earth would I do that?"

"No reason. So, should we go get our popcorn?" He asked offering his arm.

"Ok."

The movie was supposed to be a horror flick, but it was more of a campy comedy. They enjoyed making fun of the obviously cheesy dialogue. After the movie let out, they went for ice cream, still making jokes about how bad the movie really was.

"I can't believe you picked that flick Sawyer, what a waste of eight bucks," he repeated.

"How was I supposed to know? The previews made it seem pretty good. Plus, it did have its moments." Peyton offered. They looked at each other and then said in unison, "Not really." And laughed. "So what do you want to do now?"

"I don't know. What do you feel like?" he asked.

"You're the guy, aren't you supposed to have a master plan?" she teased.

"I did have a master plan, but you kinda blew it out of the water."

"How did I do that?"

"You showed up." He stated.

"You really thought I'd stand you up," she was almost hurt.

"Tell me you didn't think about it." He retorted.

She was smiling, he knew her too well. "OK, I admit, it crossed my mind. But, I came. Surely I get points for that."

"Yes you do. But as for my master plan, it was more about convincing you this was a good idea, I didn't really think about what could happen after the movie." He admitted.

"Well, what do you feel like doing?"

"Wanna take a walk down by the water?" Jake suggested.

"Sure. My car or yours?"

"Why don't we drop yours off at home and take mine." He said.

"I got a better idea. Why don't we drop yours off and take mine?" She smiled at him.

"You know Pey, I think you are a great person, and a really talented artist, but..." he was looking for the words.

"Not you too Jake." She grimaced, knowing what he was trying to say. "My driving is not that bad."

"Yes, it is." He joked.

"Fine, this once I'll let you drive. But just so you know, come summer, I don't go anywhere without my convertible." She cautioned him. It was really nice to be able to joke around with someone.

"Got it. So I'll follow you to your place." He said.

Once they got rid of Peyton's car the headed for the waterfront. It would have been nice if it was warmer and they could walk barefoot in the sand, but beggars couldn't be choosers, so they were content just to walk together on the beach.

"So I want to ask you something Jake," Peyton started. At some point during their stroll, Jake had taken Peyton's hand in his own. He gave it a little squeeze.

"What's that?" Jake asked looking down at her.

"Why did you really come back?"

"A lot of reasons."

"Like what?" Peyton pressed.

"Well, the big three would have to be, Jenny, Lucas and you." Jake said.

"I don't understand."

"Running doesn't solve anything. I knew that when I left, but I needed some time to sort out my head. The summer in Savannah helped me do that. If I could pick another mom for Jenny I would, but that isn't an option, and the fact is – she is Jenny's mom whether I like it or not. I need to set a good example for Jenny and breaking the law isn't exactly a good example." Jake explained.

They both were silent for a moment and then took a seat in the sand. "What if you had lost the case?" Peyton said quietly.

"It was a chance I had to take."

"What did you mean about me and Lucas?"

"When Luke found out that Dan wanted custody of him and Karen prevented that – well it made him question a lot of things. I didn't want Jenny to question things later. I hope she'll grow up with a good head on her shoulders and I have to believe that either Nikki will actually change or that Jenny will eventually see through her. But if I had made that decision for her by running away, then Jenny will never trust me."

Peyton pondered that for a moment, nodding her head in agreement. "What about me?"

"I know that you would give anything to have time with your mother. Girls need their moms." Jake said. It was not exactly what Peyton was hoping to hear, but it made sense. She nodded again.

"Oh," was all Peyton could say.

"Look Pey," Jake turned his body so that he was facing her. "I think you are amazing. And when you kissed me on the docks, well I was more than a little surprised." Jake kept his eyes focused on Peyton's face, acutely aware that she might run, but at the same time wanting her to know how he felt. "In fact it was all I could think about for a long time. I had to come back to see..." he drifted off. Peyton didn't offer any words so he kept going. "I had to see if there was something there."

Peyton didn't know what to say to that. Jake could see the thought flitting across her face, and before she had too much time to digest what he said, he leaned in and kissed her. If the waves were making noise crashing against the beach, Peyton didn't hear it. The only thing she could hear was the blood rushing in her ears. She was thankful she was sitting down because she was pretty sure her knees would have given out. When they broke apart, he was smiling softly at her. She smiled back at him.

"Figured it was my turn to go first." He said quietly.

"About damn time Jagielski," She teased. He put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned in. They sat that way on the beach for quite some time, just enjoying the feeling of each other. The sound of a cell phone interrupted their moment. Both Jake and Peyton pulled out their phones.

"It's me," Jake said. He flipped the phone open. "Hello?... What?... Ya, OK....I said OK....Give me twenty minutes and I'll be home....Twenty minutes...Bye." Jake turned to face Peyton. "Apparently Jenny is colicky. I have to go home, Nikki is bringing her back."

"Did you want me to come with you?" Peyton offered.

"Na, it's OK. It will probably be a long sleepless night. I'll take you home." Jake got up off the sand and offered Peyton his hand.

"OK." The walked back to the car hand in hand, not saying a word. "If you want company Jake, I'd be glad to come over." Peyton said once they were driving.

"Thanks for the offer Pey, but it's really not necessary. I'll call you tomorrow." He replied.

"I had a good time tonight Jake."

"Good. I did too. And I'm kinda hoping this wasn't a one-time thing either." He admitted.

"Me too. You'll call?" she asked as they pulled up in front of her house. She regretted the words the instant they came out of her mouth. She almost sounded needy and the one thing she didn't want to be was needy. Having Nikki intrude on her first real date with Jake was not the best of situations.

"I promise. I'll talk to you later Pey," he leaned in and kissed her again.

The kiss helped erase some of her doubts. Maybe he really was trying to spare her the sleepless night. She quickly went to bed before she had time to overanalyze the situation. Peyton knew there would be plenty of time to do that the next day.

A/N Please let me know your thought/suggestions. Reviews make my day! Carys


	8. Chapter Eight

Peyton didn't hear from Jake for the rest of the weekend. She couldn't decide if it was a bad sign or that he was just busy. Peyton knew that Jake wasn't like other guys, but then again, he was a guy. She tried her very best to push it to the back of her mind and not think about it at all. Less thinking meant less over analyzing which hopefully would prevent jumping to conclusions. Haley called Sunday afternoon to invite Peyton over to hang out. Peyton didn't feel like staying home so she accepted.

"Where's Nathan? Work?" Peyton asked as she walked in.

"Nope, the guys are down at the River court. Despite the fact that it's like twenty degrees out they wanted to play."

"The guys as in?" Peyton couldn't help but ask.

"Luke, Tim, Jake, the usual. So, how was the big date?" Haley asked with a grin.

"How did you know about that?" Peyton was a little surprised.

"Jake told Luke, Luke told me. So?"

"We went to a movie, a bad movie as a matter of fact. No big deal."

"I don't care about what you did, I want to know how it went. Was it a friendly date or a date date?" Haley explained.

"Well, it wasn't a friend thing. I don't know. It was going really well, or at least I thought it was and then Nikki called and we had to cut it short and I haven't heard from him since. Do you think that's a bad sign?" Peyton asked.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about. This is Jake we are talking about. He is the original nice guy."

"I know that." Peyton was quiet for moment. "It's just, he's got so many things going on his life maybe he's decided that he doesn't have time for this right now." So much for avoiding over analyzing.

"I seriously doubt that Pey. He's probably just been busy with Jenny." Haley offered.

"Yet he has time to play basketball..." Peyton drifted off. As soon as she realized what she said, her head snapped up. "Where the hell did that come from?" she grinned. "Since when am I the clingy, needy, constantly looking for reassurance girl?"

"I don't know," Haley laughed.

"Let's go to the mall. I could use some new CD's. Are you up for it?"

"Absolutely. Let me just leave a note for Nathan so he doesn't think I've run off and left him," Haley joked. She came back with her keys and coat and the girls headed off to the mall.

It was a productive afternoon for Peyton. She found some rare CD's that had been on her wish list for a while and Haley teased that it was like shopping with Lucas. Peyton had a good time and managed to shake off the funk she was feeling about Jake. When she dropped Haley off, she asked Peyton if she wanted to come in for supper with her and Nate, but Peyton declined. Although she was feeling better, she wasn't up to being a third wheel yet. She went straight home, hoping to catch her dad before he went out for dinner with Karen, but she missed him. She made a sandwich for herself and went to her room to listen to her new tunes. Nothing made her happier than hearing a new CD for the first time and she was even feeling inspired enough to start working on a new strip. She had been lost in her drawing and music for almost an hour when she heard her computer ping. She got up off her bed and went to check and see who it was.

Lucas: Are you there?

TA: Yep, how was basketball today?

Lucas: cold...don't know what we were thinking. What did you do?

TA: mall with Haley. Found some music I was looking for.

Lucas: Anything I would have heard of?

TA: Probably not.

Lucas: So are you weirded out about this whole dating thing?

TA: Why, what have you heard?

All she could think was that Lucas had spent the afternoon with Jake and maybe he had heard something.

Lucas: Nothing, that's why I am asking.

TA: Why would it be weird?

Lucas: Besides the obvious?

Peyton was a little lost.

TA: Obvious?

Lucas: We could end up as step siblings...don't you think that's a little weird considering our history?

Peyton actually sighed in relief. He was talking about their parents.

Lucas: What's that face for?

TA: No reason. What are you doing right now?

Lucas: Nothing. Why?

TA: Why don't you come over. I'll play the new disks for you.

Lucas: I'm on my way.

Peyton didn't want to be alone. She figured she might be tempted to call Jake and she didn't want to do that. Not yet anyway. He said he'd call and she needed to relax and believe that.

Lucas walked in the house fifteen minutes later. He came straight up to her room.

"So what's the new tunes you bought?" he asked, flopping down on her bed. She tossed him the three new CD's. "Hey, these are great. Where did you find them?"

"Haley took and I went to that place in the mall. Sometimes you can find some great stuff there." Peyton said, joining him on the bed. "So, you are bothered by this whole, my dad your mom thing huh?"

"Aren't you?" Luke asked.

"Not really. I mean, I like your mom. And you shouldn't worry, my dad's a good guy." Peyton offered.

"I know that. And I want her to have her own life, I just kinda always thought it would be with Keith, you know?" Lucas said.

"Maybe she doesn't think of Keith that way."

"That's what she says, but..."

"Quit worrying dumbass, your mom's a big girl." Peyton teased. It was so much easier talking about someone else's worries than thinking about her own. "So how was your Christmas?"

"It was good. I even went by and saw Dan."

"What the hell for?" Peyton was a little surprised.

"Sucker for punishment I guess. I was feeling bad because Keith and Deb were at our place and I knew that Nathan and Haley had gone to her grandparents place. I didn't want him to be all alone so I went by in the afternoon before dinner."

"And how did that go?" Peyton asked.

"About as well as can be expected. For a while I really thought he was changing but I am now realizing it was probably a temporary condition. He was asking me if I had started thinking about college, and where I wanted to play ball."

"Why is that strange? Dan only knows how to relate to you and Nathan if it involves basketball." Peyton pointed out.

"I know, but it was more like he was fishing for information. He wanted to know if Nathan had told me where he was going."

"College is like a year and a half away. Why does it matter now?"

"There have been a couple of scouts at some of our games already this year." Lucas said.

"Really?"

"Ya, but I'm like you. I figure I've got at least another six months before I need to make that decision."

"Are you and Nate going to go to the same school?" Peyton asked.

"We'll see. We are both going to need scholarships so I guess it will depend on if we both get offered deals from the same school."

"Do you have a preference?"

"Probably Duke. It's close enough to home that I won't feel like I've abandoned Mom. But then maybe she'll have your dad to take care of her by then," He attempted to joke.

"Maybe," she grinned.

"So, anything new to tell me about?" Lucas asked.

"Nothing that I can think of. Why?" Peyton knew he was asking about the date but she felt a little awkward talking to him about it. If Jake wanted to tell him that was his business, but Peyton didn't feel like talking about her love life with Lucas.

"Heard about your date." Lucas apparently wasn't going to let it go.

"Really?"

"Ya,"

"So then why are you asking me? I mean if you've heard all about it then there is nothing for me to tell you," she said sassily. She smiled to let him know she wasn't angry about his question.

"I want to hear your side," he returned the smile.

"Luke, we're friends right?" Peyton asked.

"Of course."

"And you and Jake are friends," Peyton continued.

"Yes." Luke didn't know where she was going.

"I just don't want to put you or anyone in the middle. I don't know what's going on with me and Jake, but I don't want it to be me, Jake, you, Haley, Nate, Brooke etc. OK?" Peyton explained.

"Sure. Do you want to know what he said?" Luke grinned.

"Sometimes you are just like a girl, you know that?" She laughed.

"I get that a lot. I should head home. See you tomorrow at school?" Luke asked as he stood up.

"I'll be there."

"Later," and he left.

Peyton was glad Lucas had come over. It got her mind off the no-phone call situation for a little while. She decided that she'd just play it cool at school the next day and pretend like it really didn't bother her. Maybe if she focused on that hard enough she would actually feel it too.

The next day at school, Jake was waiting for her in the parking lot when she drove in. She saw him immediately, took a deep breath and plastered a smile on her face as she got out of her car.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey yourself." She replied very casually. "How was your weekend?"

"I didn't not call." He said quickly.

"What?" Peyton said.

"I know that I said I'd call and I didn't, but it wasn't on purpose." He explained.

"No big deal."

"No, it is. Things just got all screwed up and there wasn't any time."

"It's fine Jake, really. I get that you were busy. Don't worry about it." Peyton reassured him.

"After Nikki brought Jenny back on Friday night, we were up with her most of the night and then Nikki had to work on Saturday so she came back on Sunday to take her for the day. I went to the River court in the afternoon with the guys and then I was going to call you to see if you wanted to go for supper but when I got home Nikki was there because Jenny was still fussy and...."

"It's OK Jake, relax." She interrupted his long run on sentence. "Why don't you and Jenny and I go to the park tonight?" Peyton offered.

"Well, she's still a little under the weather, so how about you just come over to my place? You pick up a movie and I'll provide supper." He replied.

"Sounds great." She smiled.

"So is it too soon to kiss you at school?" he grinned.

Peyton just laughed in response as they walked into the school.

A/N Thank you for the wonderful reviews - they really help with the writers block. Let me know your thoughts/suggestions. Always - Carys


	9. Chapter Nine

For the next five months, things were relatively crisis free for everyone. Peyton and Jake had fallen into a pattern that they both enjoyed. A lot of their time was spent with Jenny which Peyton loved, and when they found the time, they went to movies, or parties, or just spent quiet time together. Nathan and Haley seemed to be doing remarkably well, almost to the point where everyone stopped questioning their decision to get married. It appeared that they really were meant to be together. Lucas and Peyton had talked about it one night with Lucas even admitting that he was a little jealous of their relationship. It wasn't that he was harboring any kind of secret crush on Haley, but just seeing how in love they were, well, it made a him long for something like that in his life. Peyton and Jake were no where near that, but that suited Peyton just fine. She wasn't sure if she was really ready for the love of her life just yet. She liked the fact that Jake was someone she could be quiet with. She felt safe with him, and comfortable, and his kisses did something to her stomach – and in her mind, that was enough for now.

The beginning of May signalled the winding down of the basketball season. It was time for playoffs to start, and the Raven's had had another undefeated season, mostly due to the exploits of the now nearly inseparable Scott brothers. It had gotten to the point that people from neighboring towns came out to the games just to see them play. The rumblings had started about possible NBA futures and the college scouts were starting to show up fairly regularly to check them out. The rest of the team took their psuedo superstar team mates in stride. Despite the fact that Nathan and Lucas got a lot of attention from the outside, they were still the same guys on and off the court they had always been – understanding that they were part of a team, not the center of it. Peyton was ready for cheerleading to be over with for the year, feeling as she did every year at this time – that basketball season was too long and she wanted to other things with her free time then spend it in the gym working on cheers. Jake was entirely unaffected by the pressure of playoffs. His approach to basketball was different than most of his team mates. It was important to him, but having Jenny had really rearranged his priorities and he looked at basketball as a fun diversion. He didn't stress it.

The guys were having a last minute practice before their first playoff game so Brooke, Haley and Peyton decided to hit a club together. It was a girl bonding night to offset all the male bonding that had been going on. After a night of dancing the girls stopped off at a coffee shop, not ready to go home yet.

"So Tutor girl, are the rumors true?" Brooke asked as they sat down.

"Which rumors are those? It's so hard to keep up." After their marriage the rumors had run rampant. Haley was pregnant was the obvious one, and it had progressed from there. Every time her and Nathan had a disagreement there were divorce rumblings, as well as other less savory insinuations.

"About Duke?" Brooke elaborated.

"If you are asking if the scout talked to Nathan, then yes. Apparently they are interested."

"How do you feel about it?" Peyton asked.

"Duke is fine with me. To be honest I still haven't figured out what I want to do. Maybe teach, or law, or..." she drifted off.

"I can't believe that Tutor Girl does not have her whole life planned out. How unorganized of you," Brooke teased.

"Hey, I got married at sixteen – I think that proves that I can be spontaneous." Haley shot back.

Peyton laughed at that. The psuedo bickering that went on between Brooke and Haley was their favorite mode of communication. Neither one of them took the barbs or jabs seriously. It was all done in good fun.

"What about you Brooke? What college are you looking at?" Haley asked.

"Haven't really thought about it. Probably the most expensive one I can find. No better way to punish the parental units that spending butt loads of their money."

"A la Van Wilder?" Peyton suggested. The girls had rented the movie one night when the boys were stuck at basketball practice.

"Yep. Would serve them right," Brooke replied. "What about you mopey?"

"Me? I'm not mopey," Peyton said.

"Not so much anymore, ever since Jake came into the picture. What is the scoop there Sawyer?" Haley asked.

"We're hanging out. No marriage plans yet Hales. Don't worry, you still hold the exclusive on that. I don't know. Maybe art school? Somewhere fabulous like New York." Peyton replied.

"New York would be fabulous. Isn't there an expensive school there?" Brooke wondered out loud.

"I'm sure Columbia has a pretty steep tuition." Haley offered.

"You do know you need good grades to get in there right Brooke?" Peyton teased.

"Details." She waved her hand. "I may not have the best GPA but I'd certainly be the most entertaining interview they had," Brooke grinned flashing her dimples.

"Brooke, I highly doubt flirting would get you into Columbia," Haley teased.

"Don't underestimate flirting Tutor Girl. It's a universal currency." Brooke shot back.

"So how many more games have the guys got?" Peyton asked.

"Nathan says if they go all the way we've got another six weeks of basketball. That would take them to state."

"Six weeks?" That seemed like an eternity to Peyton.

"So is it my imagination or has Nikki been pretty scarce lately?" Haley asked, changing the subject. Haley knew that Peyton was getting tired of cheerleading and she also knew that Brooke didn't understand. She was trying to ward off a confrontation.

"You aren't imagining it. Nikki has blown off her last three scheduled visits with Jenny. She always has some legitimate excuse but Jake is starting to get a little frustrated with her. I think he's just scared that she might abandon Jenny again. As much as Nikki is a pain in the ass, she is still Jenny's mom and she's getting to the age where she recognizes that Nikki isn't around." Peyton explained.

"What is Jake going to do?" Haley asked.

"I don't know. Right now he just reports to the court appointed supervisor every time Nikki is a no show. His lawyer says if she keeps this up, he could get full custody without having to go back to court. Nikki is still on probation."

"That's good news right?" Brooke asked, attempting to take part in the discussion.

"No Nikki?" Peyton said. "Ya, it's great. Can't say that I miss her."

"So what is the scoop now with you and Jake? It's been like, what? Six months?" Haley asked.

Peyton hadn't really thought about it that much. She couldn't really remember a time when Jake hadn't been around, but six months seemed like such a long time. She mentally calculated it in her head. "I guess so. It's been since Christmas break, so...ya. Wow, that's like some kind of record for me." Peyton admitted.

"You were with Nathan longer than that." Brooke stated bluntly. Peyton shot her a look. They tried to keep the Nathan/Peyton references to a minimum with Haley around. "Well, you were." Brooke said petulantly. She was never one to mince words.

"This is different." Peyton said.

"Because it's more than sex?" Brooke pushed on.

"Brooke, were you missing the day they handed out the tact gene?" Peyton asked.

"Probably. Tutor girl is fine with this, I mean she married the guy knowing his past history. I don't see why we have to tip toe around it."

"She's right Pey, it doesn't bother me." Haley reassured Peyton. In actuality, Peyton was glad they had veered off the topic of her and Jake. It felt safer to talk about Nathan and Haley.

"So how are things with Dan and Nate?" Peyton asked, knowing that would keep the discussion off her.

"Tense, strained, uncomfortable, so pretty much business as usual." Haley smiled. "That whole better person thing didn't last long did it?" Peyton replied.

"Not really. I'm kinda glad though. I did not know how to handle Dan when he was being all nice and normal. I like it much better now that we have gone back to hating and avoiding him." Haley said with a laugh.

The girls finally decided that they were ready to go home and went their separate ways. Peyton's dad was out on a job but she was looking forward to going home to a quiet house. She wanted some time alone to think.

When she pulled up to the house she saw that Jake was waiting for her on the front step.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as she unlocked the front door.

"Just wanted to see you. My mom is at home with Jenny and I knew your dad was out of town. I just thought you might like some company." Jake smiled.

"You do know that for years before you were around I stayed by myself all the time." Peyton pointed out.

"I know, but now you have me, so you don't have to be alone."

"Maybe I like being alone?" Peyton knew she was trying to pick a fight but she couldn't stop herself.

"What's wrong Pey?" Jake asked.

"Nothing. Can't I just have a night by myself?" She shot back.

"Absolutely. And I might even buy that if you hadn't spent the night with the girls," Jake said, without any sarcasm. "What's really wrong."

"Nothing." She sighed. "I'm just ready for cheerleading to be over." Peyton replied.

Jake knew she was lying – or at least trying to divert his attention. He quickly contemplated whether to push her or not. He decided against it. "I could throw the game if you want? Make the season end faster?" He teased.

"Really?" She mocked. "You'd do that for me?"

"Pey, I'd do anything for you." He replied seriously.

"Anything?" She replied.

"Name it," he said.

"Go home." She answered. "It's not you, really. I just want a quiet night alone. I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Sure." He acquiesced. Sometimes she just needed a little time in her own head to sort things out. Jake knew that eventually she would tell him what was bothering her, or it would blow over. He kissed her on the cheek and left her alone with her thoughts.

The Ravens fared better than the previous season, but still lost out in the semi finals. Before anyone even realized it, Nathan and Haley were celebrating their first anniversary – shocking most of the town even more than their actual nuptuals did. Brooke decided to throw and end of the year/anniversary bash at her parents beach house. Nathan, Luke, Jake, Haley, Peyton and Brooke spent the day wakeboarding and the evening drinking and hanging out.

Peyton was out by the bonfire when Luke came to find her.

"Hey you," he said as he sat down beside her. She was the only one still outside.

"Luke, hey. So I hear congratulations are in order." Peyton replied.

"Congratulations?" Luke was momentarily confused. "Oh," it dawned on him, "about Duke. Thanks."

"So you and Nate and Haley are heading off to Durham, huh?"

"It would appear so."

"Aren't you excited?" Peyton asked.

"Sometimes it's weird – like I'm always the third wheel." Lucas admitted.

"What does that mean?"

"Well, it's just...ah forget it. I'm getting a little melancholy tonight. So how are things with Jake?" Luke asked, changing the subject.

"The judge should rule about custody in the next couple of weeks. Considering Nikki has been a no show for the last two months, it's pretty much guaranteed he'll get full custody."

"That's not what I meant," Lucas replied. "How are things with you and Jake?"

"Fine. Why do you ask?" Peyton wasn't about to offer anything.

"No reason." They sat in silence for a few minutes. "Are you happy Pey?"

"You really weren't kidding about the melancholy thing, huh?" Peyton smiled.

"Do you ever wonder if Haley and Nathan set the bar too high for the rest of us?" Lucas asked.

"What does that mean?"

"Think about it. They dated for what? Four months? They just knew they were meant to be together forever and they got married. You and Jake have been together for seven months and I don't see you running down the aisle."

"I'm not Haley." Peyton pointed out.

"I just wonder if I'll ever find anyone who gets me like they get each other." Lucas pondered.

"You will. She's out there Luke." Peyton reassured him.

"You know, I thought I found her once, but..." he trailed off.

"You aren't referring to me, are you?"

"What if I was?"

"Don't go there Luke." Peyton warned.

"What went wrong with us Pey?"

"First of all, there was never an us...there was almost an us, but never an actual us." Peyton pointed out.

"But maybe..."

"No maybe, I'm with Jake."

"And he makes you happy? He gets you?" Lucas asked. "Like I did?"

"It's different." Peyton replied.

"Do you love him?" Luke asked softly.

"I don't know. I like being with him. And that's enough for now."

"He loves you." Luke pointed out.

"Ah..." Peyton stammered.

"He does. He told me." Lucas admitted. "But you don't love him, do you?" he looked her straight in the face.

"I am not having this conversation with you Luke. You've had a few drinks and..."

"Answer the question Peyton. Do you love Jake? Tell me." He interrupted her.

Peyton didn't answer him but didn't break his gaze either. "I don't have to tell you anything." She replied through gritted teeth.

"How about me?" A voice came from behind her. She whipped her head around to find Jake standing there. Lucas at least had the decency to look contrite. He wordlessly got up and left the two of them alone. Jake dug his hands into his pockets and waited for Peyton to answer.

"How long have you been there," she asked quietly.

"Long enough." He stood for a few more seconds before taking a seat beside her.

Peyton clasped her hands in her lap, staring intently at her fingernails, trying to figure out what to say. "Jake..."

"Look, ideally I didn't want Lucas to be the one to tell you how I felt, but now that it's out there...well...I love you Peyton." Jake said. Peyton didn't respond right away. She had no idea what to say. "I don't expect you to say it back...just promise me you won't freak out. OK?" Jake lifted her chin so that she was looking at him. "With all the shit that has gone on the last year with Nikki this should have been the worst year of my life, but it hasn't been. And you are the reason for that. Having you in my life...well it's the best thing that has happened to me since Jenny." He admitted.

"Don't say that Jake." Peyton replied.

"Why not? It's true."

"I thought we were just having a good time."

"We are Peyton. But somewhere along the line, I fell in love with you."

"Don't..." Peyton warned.

Jake reached out and threaded one hand in her hair, his palm against her cheek. He leaned in and kissed her. When they broke away, he leaned his forehead against hers. "I love you Peyton Sawyer." He whispered.

Peyton always had butterflies in her stomach when Jake kissed her, but this time, they were beating their wings so hard she thought she might throw up. Her flee response kicked in full bore and she jumped up. "I can't do this Jake. I don't love you." She said matter of factly. "I'm sorry." And she ran away.

A/N - thank you SO much for all the reveiws. Please let me know your thoughts/suggestions. always - carys


	10. Chapter Ten

_A/N So I just wanted to take a second to thank three readers who have really been amazing, Tardychick, Diane and Malissa, your detailed reviews really keep me going. It's like having my own personal cheering section! so thanks very much. All reviews are great, but you guys have really stuck with me since my first fiction and your praise means a lot. This story is starting to wind down which is probably why I am updating faster. The end is in sight. I also have to thank who ever nominated this story for a TWA, I was on the site today to do some judging and was surprised to find this story there. I know I got a notice about a nomination, but I had no idea it was for this story. it definitely made me smile, so thank you to whoever you are. On with the story - please let me know your thoughts/suggestions. Always - Carys_

Jake followed her to the house, not willing to give up that easily. He caught her by the arm as she tried to open the front door.

"Peyton wait. You can't just say that and walk away," he said.

"There is nothing left to say Jake." Peyton replied.

"Yes there is. Look, I didn't want you to freak out, and I'm not looking for a declaration from you. Pey, we've had a really good time together the last seven months, and you can't deny you like spending time with me."

"I don't love you Jake." She stated again. She could see that the words hurt him – he visibly flinched.

"OK. Let's make this a little simpler. Do you like having me in your life?"

"Yes, but..."

"Alright." He interrupted. "Can you see me in your future?"

"Don't ask me that." She replied.

"It's a fair question. Would you cry if I wasn't around anymore?" His frustration was beginning to show.

Peyton thought it was an odd question. She did like spending time with Jake, but would she cry? The only thing Peyton could remember crying over was her mom. She wasn't an emotional type of girl. In fact, she did her very best to avoid all emotional areas. She didn't have a response for him, so she just shrugged her shoulders.

"I guess that's my answer." Jake replied. Peyton walked away again, but this time, he didn't follow her.

* * *

The pounding in her head was a gift – it meant the dry heaving had finally stopped and she was into phase two of the hangover from hell. Peyton decided either she needed to drink more often and develop a normal human tolerance, or she needed to stay away from alcohol for the rest of her life. Upon further thought she was pretty sure she had promised God the latter at some point in the previous evening.

"Here, take these." There was another voice in Peyton's head. She half opened her eyes to see Brooke standing over her with her hand outstretched. "Come on, take them. They will help with the headache."

Peyton took the Advil and water that Brooke offered her. She painfully lifted her head off the pillow and did as she was told. As soon as Brooke took the glass from her, she promptly flopped back down.

"You should get up and shower, you smell like shit." Brooke said. She walked across the room and tore open the curtains, letting in the too bright sunlight.

"Brooke, give me a break here. My head is pounding like crazy."

"I am giving you a break. If I wasn't giving you a break I wouldn't even be here." Brooke said, hands on her hips.

Peyton propped herself up in bed. "What are you talking about?" She was clearly confused.

"How many get out of jail free cards do you think you get? I mean the actual Monopoly game only has two and you've used more than that in the last year." Brooke said.

"What?"

"Look, this is seriously the last time I am cutting you any slack. Despite all your declarations that you and Jake were just hanging out, I know that the break up bothers you. I mean, you proved that it bothers you by mainlining tequila last night, but so help me god Peyton, if you go after Lucas again...all bets are off. Got it?" Brooke stated firmly.

Peyton desperately tried to recall the events from the past evening. It slowly started to shift into focus. Jake telling her he loved her...her own blunt response...many many shooters...kissing Lucas. "Oh God," Peyton gasped. She had kissed Lucas, and Jake had seen it happen. She could see the look on Jake's face like it was happening in front of her all over again. "_What was I thinking_?" she thought.

"Oh God is right. What were you thinking?" Brooke asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"I don't know. I wasn't." Peyton admitted, still feeling shell-shocked.

"Well, it's time to start thinking again. You need to get your ass out of bed and go talk to Jake. And you need to figure out why you did it before you get there."

"I don't know if I can do that." Peyton replied.

"Which part? The thinking or the talking?" Brooke asked smartly.

"Both...all of it. What am I supposed to say? Jake, honey, sorry I kissed Lucas after you told me you loved me, but I was really drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time? Somehow I don't think that is going to help." Peyton said sarcastically.

"Not exactly the words I would choose, but you gotta find your own voice." Brooke half smiled.

"I'm so sorry Brooke...about Luke."

"You should be. Don't get me wrong, I am so over him, but we made a promise – ho's over bro's and then you get hammered and start making out with the devil." Brooke said. Peyton gave her the "gimme a break look". "OK, so maybe he's not the devil, but after everything we went through last year...I just figured we'd both stay away from that drama."

"I don't like Luke that way Brooke, and even if I did, you know you are more important to me than any guy." Peyton assured her.

"So what happened with Jake?" Brooke asked softly. She knew that Peyton meant what she said so she quickly flipped from angry to understanding, sensing that Peyton needed a little understanding at that moment.

"I don't know."

"Do you know any other phrase besides I don't know?" Brooke teased.

"Possibly," Peyton smiled. "Things with Jake were just getting...intense. I am so not ready for intense."

"Peyton, I hate to break it to you, but everything with you is intense. You need to talk to Jake."

"I can't. I don't love him Brooke. And it just wouldn't be fair to him to stay in this relationship when he feels something for me that I can't feel for him." Peyton was quiet for a moment and Brooke didn't say anything. Peyton threw off the covers. "You're right....I do smell like shit. I'm going to shower and then do you want to get some breakfast?" Peyton asked.

"Sure." Brooke replied.

It was an odd choice of words, "I can't love him." At the time, neither Brooke nor Peyton picked up on it, but later Peyton would look back at this moment and realize that phrase signaled the beginning of her fall.

* * *

Peyton avoided Jake, Luke, Nathan, Haley and Brooke for the majority of the summer. She worked on her sketches and went with her dad on his boat for days at a time. Anything to escape the mess she had made. She didn't know how to fix it or even if she wanted to. It could have been an opportunity to change the things in her life she didn't like, but instead Peyton used it as an excuse to hide out from the world and withdraw more into herself.

In the last month before school started she hadn't seen anyone at all. She still talked to Brooke but mostly because Brooke was tenacious and would show up at her house without knocking or calling. She always made the effort to be happy and smiling when Brooke was there, but at the same time always had a perfectly good reason why she couldn't come out with her. Haley had tried calling a few times, but after no response, she too let it slide. Peyton didn't have to avoid Lucas or Jake – neither one had called, e-mailed or showed up at her door. She was both thankful and saddened by it.

Inevitably, when you are trying your damndest to wallow in your own self pity, the universe kicks in and reminds you that there are other, bigger problems in the world. Peyton's wake up call came the day before school started. She had just dropped off her strip at Thud magazine and was looking forward to going home to watch an old John Hughes movie on cable. When she pulled into her driveway she saw Luke's car parked in front of her house.

"Hey," Luke said as she approached the front door.

"Hey. What are you doing here?" She asked apprehensively.

"You haven't seen or heard from Haley have you?" Lucas asked.

"No I haven't. But then I haven't been in touch with anyone for a while." Peyton said.

"I know. I had to try though." Luke replied.

"What does that mean?" Peyton was intrigued.

"Haley's gone." Luke stated.

"What do you mean, Haley's gone? Like on vacation?"

"No, like gone permanently. All her parents would say was that she wouldn't be in school this year." Luke said.

"What?"

"Ya, Nathan came home about a week ago and Haley had left him a note that she was leaving. No forwarding address, no reason why." Luke explained.

"That doesn't sound like Haley." Peyton offered.

"I know, but it appears to be true. Her parents aren't telling anyone where she has gone, not Nathan, not even me."

"How is Nathan doing?" Peyton asked immediately concerned.

"Not good. I don't know what to do Pey. He's distraught...and not letting anyone into the apartment."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Not really. He calls me every morning to see if I've heard from her, but as soon as I say no, he hangs up the phone. I'm worried."

"I don't know what to tell you Luke. The only person Nathan ever really opened up to was Haley. I can't see how I could be of any use to you." Peyton explained.

"You already have – just listening. You are really good at that Pey." Lucas replied. "Maybe though you could try? Talking to Nathan? He might let you in the door."

"I seriously doubt that."

"Could you just try? I'm really worried. You know I wouldn't have come here unless I had tried everything else." Lucas pleaded.

Peyton knew he wasn't lying – it took a lot for him to come to her. Things were beyond strange for them. And as much as she wanted to avoid everything that had happened, you just didn't abandon your friends when they needed you. And from the sounds of it, Nathan needed someone. "OK. I'll try."

"He's home now. Do you want me to drive you over?" Lucas stood up.

"No, I can drive myself." She replied.

"Call me as soon as you get back?"

"I will."

"I can't thank you enough Peyton. After everything that has happened between us...well you have no reason to go out on a limb for me." Lucas shoved his hands deep in his pockets, looking at some spot on the ground intently. Peyton didn't know how to respond to that. She wasn't sure what exactly he was referring to. Luke picked up on her confusion. "After you and Jake broke up, I should have been there for you. You've always been there for me and I just let you disappear for the last two months. That wasn't right."

"Luke, it's not your fault. And it was my decision to be alone. And let's not forget, I kissed you." She attempted to joke.

"Have you talked to Jake?" Lucas asked.

"No." Peyton had no desire to elaborate. Luke took the hint and made her promise again that she would call after she saw Nathan. As soon as he left, Peyton got back into her car and drove over to Nate and Haley's apartment.

She rang the doorbell a few times before Nathan answered. She had wondered on the drive over what shape she would find him in, but she wasn't prepared for what she saw when he finally opened the door. It was obvious that he hadn't showered for days and the bags underneath his eyes were deep enough to plant flowers in. It was as if his heartbreak was emanating off him in waves. She could feel it just by looking at him.

"Hey Nate," she said while sliding her foot into the doorway so he couldn't slam it on her.

"Have you seen Haley?" He replied.

"No, I haven't." Before the last syllable left her mouth he was trying to close the door, but she was too quick for him and pushed past him into the living room.

"Peyton, I'm not in the mood for company." He said, his voice dangerously low.

"Nice to see you too." She replied smartly.

"Get out." Was all he said, still holding the door open. She sat down on a nearby chair in response.

"Look, I know I haven't been around very much this summer, but I still care about what happens to you. You look like shit. What is Haley going to think when she sees you." Peyton asked.

"Haley is gone." Peyton suspected it was the first time he said those words out loud.

"Maybe...or maybe not. Either way, you need to pull yourself together."

"I don't need to do anything, except find my wife."

"While I agree that is a good idea, you also need to pry yourself out of this apartment. Preferably showering first."

"She's gone." He said. Peyton didn't immediately reply, feeling like there was more to that sentence. In a few moments, he spit out the rest. "And I don't know why."

"Maybe she's just going through some stuff and needs some space to figure it out." Peyton suggested.

"Well, maybe if you hadn't disappeared for two months she would have had someone to talk to and she wouldn't have left." He was spitting pure venom at her. His eyes flashed with anger. Peyton realized immediately what he was doing – lashing out at the nearest available target.

"Well, I needed some space to figure things out too." She offered.

"What's to figure out – you ripped Jake's heart out because you got drunk." Nathan spat at her.

"Nathan, I know you are hurting, which is why I'll forget what you just said."

"Ya, I'm hurting...but I'm not lying. If you really thought you hadn't done anything wrong, you wouldn't have disappeared for the last two months. And when you disappeared, you left quite a mess in your wake Peyton. A mess that Haley had to clean up."

"I never asked her to." Peyton replied quietly. It was becoming increasingly difficult not to take his words personally.

"Ya, but that's what Haley does...did." Nathan still hadn't moved from the door.

"She's not dead Nathan." Peyton snapped.

"I don't know that, do I? And it's all your fault." He was nearly yelling at her. "Get out of here Peyton. I won't be responsible for my actions if you don't."

Peyton wanted to help, but she also didn't want to get her ass kicked so she got up and left. She drove straight to the café, hoping to find Lucas there. She was in luck and found him behind the counter. His face looked hopeful the instant he saw her.

"What happened?" he asked immediately.

"Sorry Luke. I tried, but he is just not talking right now. Maybe if you give him some time, he'll come around." Peyton offered.

"How did it go?"

"Not good. Since when did you start working here?" She asked changing the subject. She didn't want to go into the details with Lucas.

"Mom was shorthanded with Haley gone, so I'm just filling in." Lucas explained. He caught Peyton looking around anxiously, as if it was just occurring to her that Jake might be there. "He's not working today."

"Who?" Peyton pretended to not know who he was referring to.

"Jake. School starts in two days Peyton – you are going to see him everyday. Don't you want things to be at least civil?" Luke asked.

"Are things civil between you two?" Peyton shot back.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, they are. We talked about it and we are both OK with it." Lucas admitted. Peyton was more than a little surprised by that. But then Jake was always good with putting things into perspective. It was one of the reasons she liked hanging out with him.

"Well.." she stammered, "I'm glad. For you I mean."

"So, what are you listening to right now?" Lucas couldn't bear to see her so uncomfortable so he changed the subject. He figured if they stuck to neutral, safe topics that maybe she would relax a little and eventually open up. They talked about music and new bands for a few minutes and then Peyton made her excuses and left.

She went home to an empty house, which she normally relished but tonight it just gave her time to think about everything that had happened. Nathan had been partly right; she did feel guilty about what had happened. The weird thing was, she didn't feel guilty for the obvious reason – the kiss, but for reacting so badly when Jake told her he loved her. She was unnecessarily cruel. Jake had done nothing but be there for her, and she had needlessly stomped on his heart. And even though she knew Nathan had lashed out at her because of the pain he was feeling, she felt like she deserved it. Lucas had been entirely too understanding, even nice to her. She didn't deserve nice, she deserved to be publicly flogged. That night she couldn't sleep, all she could think was that she really did deserve the bad things that happened to her. She had hurt her best friend, she had hurt Jake, she abandoned Haley...her karma was coming back to bite her in the ass.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Jake was nervous about the first day of school – for obvious reasons and not so obvious ones too. He knew she would be there and he didn't know what to expect from her. Granted, that wasn't a new thing, but he was still nervous. He hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about what happened. Part of that was on purpose because it was still a little raw and the rest because he was just busy. Being a single dad didn't afford him a lot of time for self-reflection. Between work, Jenny and the new custody case, it seemed like he didn't have a moment to himself. Luke had come to him shortly after the party and they worked it out. Guys didn't need to discuss things at length for there to be a resolution. Lucas said he was sorry and Jake accepted his apology at face value. It wouldn't be that easy with Peyton. Jake missed her but he didn't know if he missed her enough to put the effort in to fix it. Peyton would never be the easiest person to get close to, but if she really meant what she said, was it even worth trying? He knew it was possible for them to get back on track, but he also knew he would have to do all the work. Peyton's favorite game was avoidance. Even if she was sorry about what she did, or wanted him back, chances are she wouldn't come to him. Jake knew that he had gotten closer to Peyton than anyone else ever had, but it was a slow arduous process – strictly on her timetable. He still loved her but just because you loved someone, it didn't necessarily make it right. Sometimes it wasn't enough.

Jake could feel the tension in his shoulders as he walked through the school doors. He was on the look out for her, which is probably why he didn't notice Nathan making a beeline for him.

"Hey man," Jake said as Nathan stood directly in front of him.

"Have you heard from Haley?" Nathan asked.

"No, why? Is she late?" Jake asked. Nathan didn't answer, just walked away. Lucas was the next person in Jake's line of site.

"Hey buddy." Luke greeted him.

"What is up with him?" Jake asked motioning to Nathan's exiting form.

"Haley disappeared a couple of weeks ago. No goodbye - nothing. He's not taking it well." Lucas explained.

"Wow. I didn't see that coming. So how are things with you?" Jake asked.

"What have you got first period?"

"English with Brooks. You?"

"Same thing. Let's walk and talk." Lucas suggested. Jake had been busy for the last couple of weeks and so they caught up on all the news. "So, I talked to Peyton." Jake nodded in reply, not saying anything. "Have you talked to her?"

"No, can't say as I have. I'll probably run into her today though."

"I went to her to see if she could help with Nathan. From the looks of her afterward, he took a pretty good swipe at her." Lucas offered.

"What for?" Jake asked.

"Who knows. She wouldn't talk about it, but Nathan is pretty...dark right now. He's kinda hitting out at whoever is standing closest to him at the time. I just thought you should know."

"Why is that?"

"Look man, maybe it's not my place, but you know that I worry about her. She doesn't really talk about stuff with anyone...at least until she started hanging out with you. I was just hoping maybe you could work some of that Jagielski magic and get it out of her."

"We'll see. I can't promise anything Luke. I haven't talked to her all summer and I really don't know where we stand. If it comes up though I'll ask her about it." Jake said.

"It's Peyton dude...we both know it won't come up." Luke laughed. "But thanks for thinking about it."

"So when do tryouts start?" Jake asked, changing the subject.

Jake went through most of the day without running into Peyton. He was both relieved and disappointed. As he was walking to his car, a commotion caught his eye. He turned to see Nathan and Peyton having words. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but he could tell by the looks on both their faces that it wasn't a pleasant conversation. At one point, Nathan tried to walk away, but Peyton grabbed his arm. Nathan whipped around with enough force to wrench his arm from her grasp. Before Jake could intervene, Nathan had stormed off and Peyton was squealing the tires of her car driving away.

That night Jake checked her website for the first time since their breakup. He could see that she was sitting at her desk sketching. He also noticed that she had her wrist wrapped in an ace bandage. He couldn't help but send her an instant message.

DaddyDearest: How was the first day of school?

TorturedCheerleader: Good. How about you?

She had thrown a towel over the webcam.

DD: Pretty good. Tryouts start tomorrow. Looks like there are some good sophmores this year.

TC: How are your classes?

DD: Standard. You?

TC: same.

There was an awkward pause, if such a thing existed in cyberspace.

DD: you gonna cheer this year?

TC: Ya. Did you hear about Haley?

DD: Luke told me today. Kinda shocking.

TC: Totally.

DD: Your dad home?

TC: Due back in three days.

Even her typing was aloof. Jake pondered whether he should ask about the Nathan incident but decided against it.

DD: Jenny misses you.

He went for guilt instead.

TC: Sorry about that.

DD: About what?

He had to press his luck.

TC: Everything.

DD: You should come by and see her.

Jake would have given anything to see the look on her face. It was so much easier to know how far and hard to push if he could look into her eyes. It was then that he realized it was worth the effort. He wouldn't deny that she had hurt him, but he also couldn't deny that he loved her and wanted to be there for her, at least as her friend.

DD: Jenny and I are going for a walk. We'll stop by later.

He quickly signed off so she couldn't say no. After he fed Jenny, he pulled out the stroller and headed off to Peyton's place. She could run, but she couldn't hide.

He half expected her not to be home. Jake knew first hand how strong Peyton's flee response was. He decided that if she really was home it would be a sign that there was still hope. She answered the door almost immediately, but he noticed that she had removed the bandage from her wrist. Obviously she didn't want to talk about that just yet.

It was an awkward moment, both of them just standing there looking at each other. Jenny saved them from themselves, by giggling the instant she saw Peyton and reaching her arms up. Peyton's face broke into a smile at that. She leaned down and unstrapped her, gathering her up into her arms for a hug.

"Come on in." Peyton offered.

Jake folded up the stroller and then took a seat in a chair next to Peyton.

"You've gotten so big," Peyton said to Jenny with a smile.

"It's all the spinach I feed her. I want her to be strong like Popeye." He joked.

"Girls aren't supposed to have arms like Popeye Dad." She replied, still looking at Jenny.

"Maybe if she does though, guys will think twice before messing with her." He said with a smile.

Peyton put Jenny down on the floor and Jake handed her a toy to keep her occupied.

"So have you talked to Nathan?" Jake asked. It was an innocent enough question, and a natural one too.

"A couple of times. He's not doing very well."

"That's what Luke said. Did Haley mention anything to you?" Jake inquired.

"No, but I hadn't really talked to her much over the summer. Did you see her? Over the summer I mean?" Peyton responded.

"Not really. I was busy with work and Jenny. I got full custody."

"That's great Jake."

"Ya, the judge stripped Nikki of her parental rights. After abandoning her twice, he felt that she wasn't entitled to a role in Jenny's life. It's up to me now whether she gets to see her. I almost can't believe it's really over." Jake admitted.

"But it all worked out." Peyton offered.

"Ya, it did. So, what did you do this summer?" Jake asked, as if there wasn't this huge elephant in the room.

"I went out with my dad a few times, worked on some new sketches. Pretty boring and quiet."

"That would explain the tan." He smiled.

They sat there for a few moments in silence, and for the first time since they had met, it was an uncomfortable silence.

"Have you had dinner?" he asked to break the tension.

"Nope."

"I could make some eggs?" he offered.

"That's not necessary Jake." Peyton replied.

"I know, but I've already fed Jenny and I'm kinda hungry myself now. You got any food in your fridge?" He asked getting up.

"You should know better than to ask that." She grinned. The grin quickly faded though as she realized that maybe it wasn't the best idea to allude to their past.

"OK, so no food. We could go down to the café?" he suggested.

"Your stomach is really calling to you, huh?"

"Like crazy. Come on, don't make me eat alone." He said.

"You'd have Jenny with you."  
"As soon as I take her away from you, she'll start to cry, which will make my dinner entirely unpleasant. Consider it your charity work for the week." Jake smiled.

"Well, for Jenny." Peyton returned the smile. She got her coat and they walked down to Karen's.

Jake knew he should feel guilty about using his daughter to get Peyton to agree but if it was the only thing that would work, then he wasn't below stooping. Eventually she would tell him what was really bothering her...whether it was Nathan, or what had happened in June...he could wait. Patience was his strong suit.

A/N Thanks again for all the encouragement. I have the next chapter almost done and will post either tonight or tomorrow. Please let me know your thoughts/suggestions. Carys


	12. Chapter Twelve

"So, what is your take on Karma?" Brooke asked one afternoon while they were eating lunch outside at school.

"What do you mean?" Peyton asked.

"Well, things went really well for us last semester, I mean you and I were best friends again, Nathan and Haley were our picture perfect married couple, Lucas and I could be civil to each other, you and Jake were all goo goo eyed."

"I was so not goo goo eyed." Peyton retorted.

Brooke gave her head a little shake. "Whatever. Anyway," she said dramatically, "what I'm trying to say is everything was going really well for everyone and now look at us."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Peyton wasn't exactly sure where Brooke was going.

"Nathan has taken moody/surly guy to a whole other level, Haley has disappeared and you and Jake aren't together. Maybe we weren't appropriately thankful for the good stuff we had and now we are being punished." Brooke mused.

"I think we were appropriately thankful Brooke." Peyton replied sardonically. "Sometimes shit just happens."

"But that's my point – maybe it's Karma that causes shit to happen. Think about it?" Most days Peyton found Brooke's philosophies entertaining, but she had been harboring similar thoughts herself. She wondered why everything had gone so wrong. It had been six weeks since Haley left and Nathan wasn't getting any better, in fact some would say he'd gotten worse. Peyton had spent many nights either on the phone, online or at the café with Lucas. He was really worried about Nathan and Peyton was willing to listen. She refused Luke's pleas to try talking to Nathan again. After their last confrontation she wasn't exactly sure she could trust him. His temper was hair trigger and she had no desire to get in the way of that. Jake had taken to stopping by again – always with Jenny. No matter what kind of day Peyton had Jenny was always a great pick me up. Jenny didn't want to unload on her, she didn't ask her to listen or understand or help, she just giggled and smiled. Jake was another story. They still hadn't talked about what happened. Peyton would have these great moments when she was alone where she would vow to herself to bring up the subject the next time she saw him. The bad part was when she would finally see Jake she couldn't find the words to explain, so she just clammed up and played with Jenny. It was a vicious circle.

"What are you up to tonight?" Brooke asked, interrupting her train of thought.

"No plans, why?"

"Maybe we could rent movies or something? I'm kinda in the mood for a quiet night." Brooke said.

"Did I just hear you right? Brooke Davis wants to spend a Friday night at home?"

"Listen, I just don't want to tempt the Karma gods. They have had a field day with you Jake, Luke, Nathan and Haley – I figure I gotta be next." She grinned.

"Movie night it is. No chick flicks."

"I got it Sawyer. Geez, you'd think I hadn't known you your whole life." Brooke teased.

When Peyton got home from cheerleading practice she found Luke sitting on her doorstep. She was not surprising as Luke came around a lot these days.

"Hey buddy, what's up?" Peyton asked.

"Nathan wasn't at practice again." Luke said.

"What's that, like two weeks in a row? Maybe he is really done with basketball."

"I don't think so."

"Luke, we talk all the time about how worried you are about Nathan, but what about you?" Peyton asked softly as she sat down next to him.

"I'm fine. A little sore from practice but otherwise good." Luke replied.

"That's not what I meant." Peyton took a moment to figure out how to phrase what she wanted to say. She took a deep breath and said, "It's OK to be angry."

"What do I have to be angry about?" Lucas asked.

"She didn't just leave Nathan....she left you too." Peyton said.

"It's not the same." Luke tried to brush her off.

"No, in some ways it's worse. She left you to pick up the pieces. She was your best friend for most of your life and she didn't give you an explanation either. On top of all that, you are the one left holding the bag – the one who needs to put Nathan back together."

"It's not like that."

"Luke, sometimes I think the reason you are so wrapped up in trying to help Nathan is so you don't have to figure out how to deal with this yourself. I just don't want you to feel like you have to pretend everything is OK with me. You can say you hate her and I won't hold it against you. I won't even tell anyone you said it."

"When I get Nathan back on his feet I'll deal with my own issues." Luke offered.

"What if he doesn't?"

"He will." Luke stated firmly.

"But he might not. He may never be the same guy again. After my mom died..."

"She's not dead." Lucas interrupted forcefully.

"I know that. I'm just saying, you need to deal with your own issues too. There is only so much you can do for Nathan. He has to want it himself and right now, he can't see three feet in front of his face. All he can see is the pain."

Lucas stared down at the ground for a long time not saying anything. Peyton stole a glance at him over her shoulder, and saw that his shoulders were shaking gently. She lifted up his chin and saw tears there.

"It's gonna be OK Luke. We'll figure out a way through this. All of us together." Peyton reassured him. She put her arm around Luke's shoulders and squeezed. She was happy to see him cry – he had been holding it in for too long.

They sat that way for a while and Peyton just let Lucas cry until the tears were done. That night when Brooke came over Peyton didn't say a word about what had happened earlier. Truth be told, Peyton was starting to harbor ill feelings towards Haley too. She had said that Luke was left to pick up the pieces, but at that moment, it felt more like she was the one putting people back together. Considering how screwed up her own life was, she was sure that Karma existed because this was her punishment.

After talking to Peyton, Luke felt better than he had in weeks. He went home to pick something up and then headed to Nathan's. Enough was enough.

Luke banged on the door for almost fifteen minutes before Nathan finally answered. If it was possible, he looked even worse than the last time Luke saw him.

"Go away." Nathan growled.

"I'm not leaving." Lucas said and physically pushed his way into the apartment.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"I didn't say anything about talking. We are going out."

"I'm not in the mood." Nathan snapped.

"It wasn't a question. Put your shoes on." Lucas said.

"No."

"I'm not backing down Nate. I know you are having a hard time right now..."

"You know? You know?" His voice was getting louder and louder. "You don't know shit about what I am going through!"

If someone had been able to see the two of them, standing there toe to toe, yelling at each other, they never would have believed that the last two years had happened. They looked like the Nathan and Lucas of sophomore year – when they were strangers and enemies. If Haley could have seen them, her heart would have broken. None of the brotherly bond was visible. And then Lucas let him have it, as only someone who loved his brother could.

"She left me too!" He screamed back at him. "Do you really think you have the monopoly on pain here?! Huh?! I know exactly how it feels...it's like you can't breathe, like the sun isn't quite as bright as it was two months ago...like there is a vice grip on your insides that won't let go. Don't tell me I don't understand...because I'm probably the only one who does."

Nathan just stood there glaring at him, but Lucas wouldn't back down. Finally, the look in Nathan's eyes changed...Luke had got through.

"How do you do it?" Nathan asked.

"I don't know. Put your shoes on." Luke repeated. Nathan actually did as he was told. He followed him out to Luke's car and sat silently as they headed toward their destination. Luke shut off the car when they arrived.

"What are we doing here?" Nathan asked.

"This is where we start." Luke said.

"Start what?" Nathan replied.

"Figuring out what we do without her." Luke said. "Come on." He got out of the car. Nathan followed him onto the river court.

"I don't know if I ever want to play again." Nathan admitted.

"I'm not talking about a game Nate. Just shoot." He passed him the ball. "You and I started out with two good things in common – Haley and basketball. Being with her and putting this ball through that hoop came naturally to us." Luke prodded.

Nathan palmed the ball. "I don't know if I can."

"You can. Just shoot."

The two brothers stayed out there for hours. Not talking, not even really thinking. They just kept putting up the shots. One after another, until it became easier.

It seemed only fitting that Peyton was the one who got through to Lucas, and that Lucas was the one to pass that favor on to Nathan. Sometimes friendship worked like that. People weren't always there for each other, it couldn't always be a two way street. Sometimes you can't help the person who helped you, so instead you pass it on. If the Karma gods aren't on strike, eventually it will come back to you.

Peyton noticed a definite change in Nathan – everyone did. He went back to basketball, back to his job, back to a portion of his life. He too had signed up for the Peyton Sawyer therapy sessions. Nathan's first words were an apology for the way he had treated her and she quickly forgave him. And so Peyton did what she did best – she set about being there for everyone and putting everyone back together. She got used to the late night phone calls from Nate or Luke and she did her very best to maintain contact with Brooke, always finding time to go out to a club or watch movies. She worked her ass off on her strip, and was applying to art schools around the country. Peyton never once complained about the lack of time she had for herself, instead throwing herself into everyone else's lives in a blatant attempt to avoid her own. Jake was still coming around, but he wasn't pushing and they still hadn't had the talk. She was beginning to think that maybe they never would. By November, the Scott brothers were coming around less and less which was almost a relief, and Brooke was dating some college guy so her free time was a little more limited which meant that Peyton had more time to herself. It was strange for her. She didn't exactly know what to do with that time, so she started dropping by Jake's place. He was inwardly ecstatic about it, but he didn't want to scare her off so he kept his cool. Jake didn't want to repeat the mistakes of their past.

"Do you have notes for the chem test on Monday?" he asked one night as she was sketching at his house. Jenny was in bed and his parents were at work.

"I'm not taking chemistry. I dropped it remember?" Peyton replied.

"When did you drop chemistry?" Jake asked, clearly surprised.

"Like a month ago. Where have you been?" She teased.

"You never told me that."

"Sure I did. I needed time to work on my portfolio and chemistry was the one elective I thought I could live without."

"I swear I would remember if you told me that."

"Sorry," she said. She almost felt guilty about it.

"Peyton, I want to start over." He said.

"In what? Chemistry?" Petty was confused.

"No, us." Jake stated simply.

"Jake..."

"Hear me out. I know I screwed up...I rushed you. I'm sorry for that. But I really want to give this another shot."

"You didn't screw up Jake. It was me." Peyton admitted out loud.

"Look, I know we've never talked about it...and I don't even know if we have to. I just want to start over – clean slate."

"I can't Jake." She replied.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because is not a reason. I need a reason Pey."

"Why do you always want things I can't give you? I can't be that girl for you Jake – even if I wanted to."

"What girl? I'm not asking you to be anything." Jake said.

"But you are...maybe you don't even realize you are doing it, but it's there, everytime you look at me. It's like you are expecting me to bare my soul to you...I don't do that. I'm not the girlfriend type, I don't want a soul mate." Peyton stated.

"You dated Nathan and Lucas." Jake pointed out. "Obviously you aren't against dating per se, just dating me."

"I never dated Lucas remember? He was dating my best friend." Peyton reminded him. "And Nathan...well if you want to refer to that as a stellar relationship, you made need to adjust your views on dating."

"You know, it doesn't have to be this hard Pey." Jake said softly.

"I know that. You are the one who's making it hard. Don't make me say it again Jake."

"Say what?"

"I don't love you Jake. I can't love you." Peyton said slowly and deliberately.

"Do you honestly think if you say it enough times that I'll start to believe you?" Jake asked.

"Do you understand that all the patience in the world isn't going to change who I am or what I am capable of? You could wait forever Jake and it won't change. I won't change. And you know why?"

"Why?" He replied.

"Because I like the way things are now. I am happy just the way I am. So, I don't need you to save me from myself, I'm good. OK?" Her voice was void of any emotion.

Peyton wordlessly picked up her books and left. Jake didn't follow her.

A/N One more chapter to go! If you read The Right Thing, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kinda ties everything together. Thank you for all the reviews! They are so helpful. Please let me know your thoughts/suggestions - carys


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Change is painful. It doesn't matter if happens slowly or in a single moment. Change is painful and scary. Peyton knew exactly when her first big change happened – the day her mother died. The girl that came out of that tragedy was scared. She was scared of so many things; the biggest was her fear of letting anyone really close to her again. It was the sole purpose for the wall she had built around herself. It was about self-preservation. She didn't believe she could survive another loss like that. Skeptics would say that a seven-year-old could not have the presence of mind to make such a decision, that kids were resilient, and they would be partly right. It was never a conscious decision for her, it was instinct. Don't let people close enough to hurt you – it was her mantra. It was the foundation she had built her life upon. And she was happy in her own way. It's not like she cut herself off entirely – she had good friends, and a good life. It is possible to live your life with surface emotions, a smile can grace the face without ever touching the heart – and Peyton had built the biggest wall around her heart. To look at her from the outside no one would ever guess that in the last ten years, nothing had touched her heart. She was beautiful, popular, talented with lots of friends and a great dad...the recipe for a perfect life. But looks were deceiving and Peyton counted on that deception. She put on a show every day. At first she was surprised at how easy it was but she discovered early on that most people want to talk, very few want to listen. It worked well for her. But in the dark of night, when her energy to keep that shield up was waning, she felt things deeply. Mostly sadness and pain and an emptiness that would not go away. So she kept herself busy – with art, music, school, cheerleading, friends, anything to avoid self-reflection. It was so much easier to look at someone else's life and problems and find solutions. In the beginning she had been afraid to look at her own life, but as time passed, she found that she didn't want to. And then she kissed Jake. It was a single moment...one of millions in her life, but it was the start of her biggest change. People always said she was an enigma – they couldn't figure out why she was the way she was. Smiling but distant, surrounded by people yet still aloof. It wasn't that people didn't see her act, they just chose not to acknowledge it. When someone asks, "how are you?" they are rarely looking for an answer deeper than, "Fine, how about you?". Peyton didn't offer, and no one pushed – no one until Jake. And even then, it wasn't pushing. Jake managed to sneak in under her radar. And that was why she had to push him away, why she couldn't let herself love him. Because if she did, she'd be opening herself up to pain again. And so the moment she realized he was getting behind her wall, she ran.

High school is all about drama – things are infinitely more intense and powerful. It's all about the highs and lows, there is rarely middle ground. Peyton, Jake, Nathan, Lucas, Haley and Brooke had all experienced it first hand over the past two years. And they went through it together. Once into crisis mode, you run on pure adrenaline – it's all about being there for your friends, comforting those you care about, making mistakes and fixing them. And when you are in the moment, you feel like you can run like that forever. It's all about functioning. Truth be told, Peyton probably would have been fine if Lucas and Nathan were still falling apart at the seams, or Jake was having problems with Nikki, but they were finally doing OK. Brooke was busy with her new guy, Luke and Nathan were spending a lot of time together, and outside of school, Peyton hadn't seen Jake. Left to her own thoughts, Peyton's walls started to crumble. She started to feel things she had worked very hard to bury. She tried the usual distraction methods - bar nights, throwing herself into cheerleading, music, school and her art, but none of it worked. And she was lonely – in the most horrible of ways. Peyton felt alone all the time – even when surrounded by people. It was an ache that would not go away. She has always enjoyed her solitude, but this was different. This physically hurt. She had spent the majority of her life building a very solid wall to hide behind and Jake had put a crack in it. He did it so quietly that she didn't even feel it happen. And even though she had pushed him away the damage was done. He was in there as much as she didn't want him to be.

Peyton's fall was gradual. It started out with the little things - she skipped after game parties, she made excuses why she couldn't go to the mall with Brooke for their regular Saturday ritual. Then she started missing school finding herself unable to be around people. They made her feel claustrophobic, like the air was being sucked out of the room. When people would try to touch her, whether it was for a hug or just bumping shoulders in passing, it felt like she had been burned. The weight of ten years of avoidance was crushing her, and every feeling and problem she had pushed to the back of her head to deal with later, came flooding out. There was a big difference between avoiding feelings, and not having them. She used to feel safe but now she felt raw and exposed all the time. It was like she was overdosing on emotion. Everything descended at once and it was too much for her to process – instead of burying her feelings, they buried her. She went from content behind her walls, to numb. Peyton wasn't drawing, she wasn't going to school, she wasn't doing anything except hiding in her room staring into space.

It occurred to Jake after a basketball game, that Peyton hadn't been on the sidelines that night. When he actually thought about it, he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen here there. He stopped Brooke on the way out of the gymnasium.

"Where's Peyton?" he asked.

"Sick." Brooke answered.

"Sick how?"

"I don't really know. I haven't talked to her since..." Brooke had to think about it for a second, "wow, I think it's been a couple of weeks. I've been really busy."

Jake caught up with Nathan and Lucas in the locker room. After Whitey finished his post-game breakdown, he sought them out.

"Have you guys talked to Peyton recently?" Jake asked them both.

"Not in a while. Brooke said she's been sick." Lucas replied.

"How about you Nate?"

"I haven't seen her since...I don't remember. She's in my chem class, but..."

"Peyton dropped chemistry like two months ago." Jake interrupted.

"Sorry," Nathan retorted. "Been kinda busy with my own stuff ya know."

Jake wasn't mad at Nathan. He was mad at himself. How could Peyton have disappeared for two weeks, maybe more and he didn't notice? Instinctively he knew something was wrong. He quickly showered, called his parents to say he'd be late coming home, and went in search of her.

It took him a few tries to find her. She wasn't at home, or at the river court. They hadn't seen her in the café for weeks, so he tried one last place. It was a long shot, but he decided to try the cemetery. If he remembered correctly, it was around this time of year that her mother had passed away.

He found her sitting alone on a bench. It was pitch dark, not even a streetlight was on, but he knew it was her. He walked up with his hands in his pockets. She didn't even look up; she seemed to be just staring into space. She was in her pajamas and her hair hadn't been washed in days. She looked defeated.

"Is this seat taken?" he asked. She flinched, but didn't look at him. After a few seconds of silence, he sat down next to her. "I don't know why you think you have to do this alone." Jake said softly.

"What are you doing here?" she asked in a monotone voice.

"You haven't been in school. It's been three weeks since your strip ran, I thought you could use some company."

"I'm fine." Peyton gave her standard answer.

"You are not fine." Jake said. "And you're not alone Peyton." He repeated.

"Maybe I am."

Her tone scared him. He desperately wanted the sarcastic, flippant Peyton that he knew and loved. "But you don't have to be. We are all here for you, we just don't know how to help you Pey. I don't know how to help you." Jake said.

"You can't."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Did something happen?" He asked.

"What hasn't happened? I mean take a look at our little group Jake. We have gone through so many things in the last two years – marriage, custody cases, disappearances, breakups, makeups. It's insane. All this drama has made me tired." Peyton replied.

"But things are better now Pey. Nate and Luke are playing basketball again, and acting like brothers, Brooke is happy with her new guy, I've got full custody of Jenny..." Jake listed.

"Don't you think I know all that? It just makes it worse."

"Makes what worse?"

"How I feel."

"What do you feel?"

"Nothing." She took a deep breath. "I've spent so many years hiding, using my fear to protect my heart, and now – it's like all those walls and shields are gone. I don't know where they went but I need them. I don't know how to protect myself without them."

"Protect yourself from what?" Jake asked.

"Everything...you." She stated.

"I don't understand." Jake was confused.

"Before you, I was content with my life. Everything was even, and normal and easy. I mean, ya, people said I was distant, and I probably was. But not letting people in, it kept me safe – it kept me happy. Then you came along, and you changed that. Now I feel so many things that they have all merged into this numbness that I can't shake. I want my life back. I just want to feel something normal again, something besides this emptiness. I just...I don't know to get there. I can't feel anything. I can't love you Jake, I am not capable of that kind of feeling – and you deserve someone who is. I don't feel things the way other people do Jake."

"Sure you do."

"Why would you say that?" Peyton snapped.

"Because I know you." He responded.

"You keep saying that, but what do you really know? You know exactly what I want you to know." The volume of her voice was growing.

"Bullshit. I know you. How do you think I found you here?" He shot back.

"Tree Hill isn't that big Jake. It would take you all of what? Half an hour to drive around town? You think you are so smart. You don't know anything about me! No one does!" She was yelling now.

"Not even your mother?" Jake pushed the final button.

"Don't you dare talk about my mother! She was an amazing woman..."

"Who abandoned you." Jake interrupted, pushing farther still.

"Fuck you!"

"You're really mad now aren't you?" He was half smiling.

"I hate you!" She screamed.

He leaned in so that his nose was a hairs breadth away from hers. "You feel that don't you? It's called anger – it's one of those normal feelings you were talking about. So if I have to stay in your face for the rest of your life and piss you off just so you feel something normal, I will." He said.

"Why are you doing this to me?" She wailed softly.

"Because I care about you. Look, I can't make this better for you. I wish I could but I can't. All I can do is promise that I'll be there every step of the way, holding your hand. But you have to take the first step..."

After a few moments of silence, Peyton began to talk. "I'm a good listener. Did you know that? I listen to people talk about what is bothering them and it's always crystal clear to me what needs to be done. I'm proud that I helped Nate and Luke, and that I was there for you during the trial. These are things that I am good at."

"You listen to other people so you don't have to talk." Jake said.

Peyton was momentarily surprised by his statement. "How do you do that?" She finally asked.

"Do what?"

"Just reach right into my soul and pull out the answers."

"I know you think you are this complex person, who puts on a good show, but I was never fooled. I know you Peyton Sawyer. I know all your tricks."

"I don't know how to be this person Jake. I feel this deep sadness and I don't know where it is coming from. It's crushing."

"So talk."

"I don't talk, I listen. Plus, who wants to listen to my stuff? It would upset the delicate balance of the universe if I started talking. I'm the saving grace, not the one who need saving."

"You are burned out Pey. It happens. Hell it would have happened to all of us if it weren't for you. Let us help...let me help."

"I don't know how." She whispered "I just feel so overwhelmed. It's like when you let your room get out of control messy and then, when it's truly disgusting and you know you have to clean up, you can't figure out where to start. For so long I have been putting my own shit on a shelf in the back of my closet, vowing to myself that I'll deal with it later...when I have a few moments to myself. There were always more important things to take care of, and now that shelf has broken and everything I have been avoiding is in this huge pile that is threatening to suffocate me and I can't figure out where to start. I just need the world to stop for fifteen minutes so I can fix one thing. I would feel so much better if I could just fix one thing."

"So let's pick one thing out of the pile and work on it."

Peyton thought to herself about what she regretted the most, what she would most like to fix in her fifteen minutes and everything just swam around in her head. When she opened her mouth to start the only thing that came out were sobs. For the first time in the nearly six months since they had broken up, she cried. And once the dam opened; God himself couldn't have shut the gates. She cried for so many things and Jake just held her. He was relieved to see her cry. He knew she had been bottling things up for too long.

"It's gonna be OK Peyton, I'm here. I will always be here." He repeated. He kept repeating it in her ear. She cried harder.

"Why?"

"You know why."

"Ya, I guess I do." Her head dropped. He lifted her chin back up.

"Maybe you don't. I'm not here because you were my rock through the trial, although you were, and I'm not here because of some obligation, or because I owe you, even though I do. I'm also not here to try and change you. I'm here because I love you."

"You can't." she stated.

"Why not?"

"After everything I did..." she trailed off.

"Look, I won't lie and say that what you did didn't hurt me, because it did. But I know why you did it. You did it because it was the only way you knew how to push me away. I know I scared you that night when I asked you if you saw me in your future, and when we talked the last time...it was too soon."

"This isn't fair to you Jake. You deserve so much better than me."

"Don't you get it? For me, there is no one better than you. And no matter how long it takes for you to feel normal, I'll be there. Every step of the way. I am not going anywhere ever again." He reached out his hand to her.

And for some reason, against her better judgement, she believed him. Seeing Jake sitting beside her in a cemetery in the dead of night, with his hand outstretched to her, she knew she loved him. For so long she felt like she couldn't or wouldn't love anyone ever again. It felt like too big a risk. What if she didn't survive it? But looking into Jake's eyes, she realized that loving Jake wasn't a choice – it just was. And so, for the first time in ten years, she felt something stronger than her fear.

Peyton took his outstretched hand. "Come with me." She said. He followed her, not letting go of her hand. She took him to a gravestone. "Mom? It's me, Pey. There is someone I'd like you to meet. Mom, this is Jake Jagielski. And he's my saving grace." She half smiled. "Jake, this is my mom." Jake smiled back at her. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, and she was comforted in a way that pushed through the numbness. The pain and fear were still there but she could feel the love in her heart too. It gave her hope.

* * *

When she heard Jake's name being called to receive his diploma, Peyton was still smiling – all the way to her eyes. And when her name was called, an identical smile could be found on Jake's face. Neither one of them believed for one second that the future would be easy for them. He knew she still had trust issues, and she knew that she would have to work long and hard to live up to his faith in her. Sometimes she thought he saw more in her than was actually there. But that was kinda nice too – to have someone see beyond what you put on for show. The truth of the matter was, she would still spend a good portion of her time being there for Nathan, and Lucas, and even Brooke, but she wouldn't use them as a way to hide from herself. The best part was that she knew that someone would always be there for her. She had finally found her own saving grace. Jake was her savior. And they were both OK with that.

A/N so, all done. I've said it a million times, but this has been my labour of love. Thank you for all the positive reviews. They meant so much. Please let me know your final thoughts. Carys


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